So, Mom made me pancakes, bacon and eggs for breakfast, yuuum, and now I'm waiting nice and patiently while my grandmother makes stuffed peppers for dinner. I'm starved by now, and very eager for some gooood food. I sent the things yesterday via FedEx, unfortunately, I had to spend almost my entire wallet on packaging. >.< Of which I had been guaranteed that it was to be taken care of via the acct, but nope. I had to pay for it then, and with cash.
Oh well, at least I got the things sent. I leave in a few days to Ga. I'm excited. Of course. I have plans to go out and job hunt immediately. I don't care what I do, as long as I'm working. I don't like being a burden, especially on someone that doesn't even know me (Kash's gramps). So, I'mma do what I can to bring whatever monies I can into the house. I just want him to like me. He already likes me, but still. I worry. I'm not worried about things with Kash and I, but I do worry about Kash's grampa.
I just don't wanna be a disappointment, and a burden. I hate being a burden. :/
Oh well.
Backs hurting, I'mma go. Hope all your day has gone well. For those that follow football, enjoy the game tomorrow. =]
-Khai
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Update *gasp*
Been playing -a lot- on Neopets.com lately. Fun fun. I made a goal to get 100k in a week, well.. I managed to get there in less than, so woo, go me! Lol. My tooth has been bothering me on and off, yesterday really badly. Had me almost debilitated due to it's pain and discomfort. No pain medications even work, except for vicodin, and I swore off vicodin, so yep. Got everything I needed from the store, for my journey back home to Georgia. Minus the body spray, but eh, I can get that there.
Didn't find a small cage for Frankie, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do with him. :/ I don't want to leave that cage here, because it'll just get tossed about once he dies, which could be tomorrow, or it could be 3 months from now. It's hard to say. He's got that tumor, and who knows how long he'll live. He isn't taking proper care of himself like he used to, so he's already starting to 'go' as it is. We could use that cage in Ga for the other hammies we got there. So I'm just like >.< about it.
Still have yet to send mine and Ann's stuff. Things just aren't falling into place as I'd like them to. I took out extra boxers and shirt though to take with me on the plane, just in case my stuff isn't in Ga by the time I get there. I wont be sending them over night, despite I could, because that would be REALL expensive and I don't want to do that. I'd likely get a yelling at by Ann. Or she'd call crying because she got yelled at.
And neither of those am I really looking forward to. >.< Anyways, I have wanted to blog lately, but I just haven't felt like it. :/ Aside from just wanting to blog. I hope all my readers are doing well. As well as their family and loved ones.
Peace,
-Khai
P.S. Here is the link to the Neopet's UL layouts I made for myself and Kash.
Didn't find a small cage for Frankie, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do with him. :/ I don't want to leave that cage here, because it'll just get tossed about once he dies, which could be tomorrow, or it could be 3 months from now. It's hard to say. He's got that tumor, and who knows how long he'll live. He isn't taking proper care of himself like he used to, so he's already starting to 'go' as it is. We could use that cage in Ga for the other hammies we got there. So I'm just like >.< about it.
Still have yet to send mine and Ann's stuff. Things just aren't falling into place as I'd like them to. I took out extra boxers and shirt though to take with me on the plane, just in case my stuff isn't in Ga by the time I get there. I wont be sending them over night, despite I could, because that would be REALL expensive and I don't want to do that. I'd likely get a yelling at by Ann. Or she'd call crying because she got yelled at.
And neither of those am I really looking forward to. >.< Anyways, I have wanted to blog lately, but I just haven't felt like it. :/ Aside from just wanting to blog. I hope all my readers are doing well. As well as their family and loved ones.
Peace,
-Khai
P.S. Here is the link to the Neopet's UL layouts I made for myself and Kash.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Happy Birthday Starlite
Starlite <~ That is the first entry I wrote about her, feel free to check it out. Today is my little baby's birthday. I can't believe she is a year old now. I remember when I first seen her, she was just 7 weeks old. So tiny, I can't believe she was ever that little. Sooo little. Lol. But so cute. I'll put a few of her 'puppy' pics up. They aren't the best quality, but eh. They will do, I guess. She is so spoiled, I sometimes can't believe she's even mine, lmao. Since I swore I would never spoil her, but I just can't help it.
She's too cute. And a good pet too. Never thought a chihuahua could be like she is and has been. Smarter than any other animal, yet she has to get a little more discipline and she'll be amazing. I suppose another year, and she'll be brilliant. She's still got the puppy hyperness, so it makes doing tricks and keeping focus hard. Again, another year on her and she'll be like whoa. Lol. For a dog I never wanted to begin with, I'm really attached to her. She can do lots of tricks. Sit. Sit up. Stand. Lay down. Roll over. Shake. Just brilliant. She's been potty trained since she was 10 weeks, she used to use a litter box, lol. She still gets mad cuz we took it away from her. 
She loves the litter box, especially now that it's so cold. She's like, hey, where's my toilet?!? She loves to sun bathe. And play, gods she plays forever! All the time, everything is a game to her. It's cute. She likes to cuddle too, and bury herself under the covers. Ann's sister had, key word, had Star's sister. But, she gave her to her friend or something. Still 'in the family' I guess. I'm giving Star to my grandmother when I leave here. I'm going to miss her so much. However, she's good for my grandmother. She's sick a lot, so Star helps her keep her mind off of her sickness. Gives her something to cuddle and love, and play with. Star loves her, so its all good. Starlite had a good birthday, 
it was nothing special. Lol. She lazed around, and ran around, and played with Sedona, and everyone else that happened to come by and visit. She ate pizza, and then had some of her dog food. Just one more day in the life of Star.Full name: Aquarius Star, in memory of Starlite Night.
Nickname: Starlite; Star
Gangsta Pup
Star
Star
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Fuck this,
I swear, it's so stupid. I hate that I even feel I have to 'hide' my blog now because I don't want a certain someone, not someones, but someone to read it. I really have no issues with Molly wanting to continue reading my blog, and keeping up with my life. I haven't stopped following hers for the same reason. I'm not going to let this shit kill what years took to build. Granted, I'm not all like, 'hey Molls, yada yada..' no, I'm not there yet. It's going to take some time before I am okay with going back to that.
However, it's a certain other person that I am not okay with reading my blog anymore. Especially with how he's already threatened me. I do not appreciate that shit. Because regardless what's gone on, I would never think of betraying his trust like that. Despite we are no longer speaking, and I don't even really consider him to be a friend anymore. Just goes to show how petty people are in this world I guess. Pretty damn stupid. This is my fucking life Gods damn it, and I shouldn't have to worry and stress over this crap.
I have enough worries, freaking out about Ann, wondering if she is even okay. I know she is now, sorta, because she finally got on YIM again and talked to me for a minute, as much as she could. I've been having these bad feelings lately that she may be pregnant, and well, we -know- I'm not the father. If she is pregnant that is. For more than one reason, I couldn't be. I don't know why I can't shake that, and it came at me from literally no where. That was the farthest thing from my mind, yet it keeps creeping up and into my brain.
Ann is supposed to call me later, when she goes to Ed's >.< .....................Not getting into that subject. I think it's pretty much self explanitory with that expression I just used. Stupid Easter Bunny... >.> Blah. Oh well, not my problem any more? Well, it is until things get talked about seriously, and all involved agree, or at least are on the same page. I'm looking forward to what the future is going to bring, and I'm trying my fucking damnedest to keep ways of Drama, out. Drama belongs on the stage, on the television or big screen, not my life.
-Khai
However, it's a certain other person that I am not okay with reading my blog anymore. Especially with how he's already threatened me. I do not appreciate that shit. Because regardless what's gone on, I would never think of betraying his trust like that. Despite we are no longer speaking, and I don't even really consider him to be a friend anymore. Just goes to show how petty people are in this world I guess. Pretty damn stupid. This is my fucking life Gods damn it, and I shouldn't have to worry and stress over this crap.
I have enough worries, freaking out about Ann, wondering if she is even okay. I know she is now, sorta, because she finally got on YIM again and talked to me for a minute, as much as she could. I've been having these bad feelings lately that she may be pregnant, and well, we -know- I'm not the father. If she is pregnant that is. For more than one reason, I couldn't be. I don't know why I can't shake that, and it came at me from literally no where. That was the farthest thing from my mind, yet it keeps creeping up and into my brain.
Ann is supposed to call me later, when she goes to Ed's >.< .....................Not getting into that subject. I think it's pretty much self explanitory with that expression I just used. Stupid Easter Bunny... >.> Blah. Oh well, not my problem any more? Well, it is until things get talked about seriously, and all involved agree, or at least are on the same page. I'm looking forward to what the future is going to bring, and I'm trying my fucking damnedest to keep ways of Drama, out. Drama belongs on the stage, on the television or big screen, not my life.
-Khai
Friday, January 16, 2009
Since I knew he would...
Josh's latest blog, that he since deleted. Why am I reposting this? Not to be an ass, but because of the fact that the replies that both Kash and I made, took a lot of thought, and held a lot of emotion with in them. And our responses wouldn't make sense, unless you read what they were pertaining to. Since they are important to us, it is important to repost his blog.
---HAS SINCE DELETED JOSH'S ORIGINAL BLOG, BECAUSE JOSH DOESN'T WANT HIS FEELINGS/THOUGHTS PUBLIC ANY LONGER, WHICH IS HIS PREROGATIVE. I'M NOT GOING TO SAY NO, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ASS, THE ASS OF WHICH HE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME OUT TO BE---
That was his original blog, now here is my response:
2 years, going on three years Josh, it's been since we've met. And we didn't even get 'close' until a year later. Just thought I'd point that out.
I was not offended because you are gay, or because you don't like pussy. But, I am not going to go on about this, because I say it's one thing, and you say it's another. I'm over it. It's done.
Now, about the whole 'He believes I think of him as an internet friend, someone who isn't real' you said that Josh. You said it, in IM and in comments to my blog. You said that I was jealous because you wanted/needed friends that are 'closer to home'.
I know you've supported me, as I have supported you, but now all the sudden, all my support just didn't/doesn't exist, because you are now saying I never cared, and only used you to vent to when I was angry or upset.
How can you say that, and yet say I am your best friend, and you are basically begging me to please remain in your life. If I am SO horrible, why all this? Why? Why are you stating that I never cared about you ever, and just used you? But, you're begging me to stay?
Molly was wrong, and she's apologized. I'm not fully comfortable with going back to what we were, but she had apologized, and it's a start. It is not okay to copy paste what someone says, especially when they are venting in anger about another person. Just like if you were to vent to me about Molly, or someone else, I would NEVER go and copy paste what you say. And, I can bet you APPRECIATE that about me, and you would never feel you'd have to ask me to NOT say something, because friends don't need to say stuff like that. Or they shouldn't HAVE to.
About telling Kash things.. I don't tell Kash a fourth of what you say to me. Especially the personal/private things. However, Kash has a brain, he has his intuition, just as I do, and he can think and feel things for his own. Just like I can, he can. He blogs what he feels. I blog, what I feel. I don't even know why I am responding to this, because half of what you've said here, has already been proven innacurate by my own admission in my own blogs. But whatever.
I don't even know how to respond to 'I forgave you EVERYTIME, Every fucking time you basically spit in my face. Every time you ever told me something that justt hit hard.' So, I wont. And it's not rubbing someone else in your face, when I am talking about who I am 'with' at the time, just because it's not YOU. Josh, if you couldn't handle being my friend, due to the fact you felt more for me than just 'friend' we should have ended our friendship that day I asked if you could handle it. You said you could, and now you are saying I am RUBBING my love life in your face, as if I was being an ASS, for having one that didn't include you. I'm not okay with this statement, but what can I do.
I can't speak for Kash, but I will say, I don't believe you did as much as you could have done, to make Kash feel comfortable with being even slightly close, or open to you. Fucking A, Josh, not everyone can just trust someone right off the bat. Hell, I didn't trust you for almost a year and a HALF! So, don't think it should have miraculously happened with you and Kash, because that is just ridiculous. I've told you this before, but you insist on ignoring it. Just because you are/were my friend, doesn't mean you automatically have that trust with him. I agree that the problem started with Kash, however, they stem from you, Josh, because of Kash.
Now, agreed, I -used- to come to you, when something offended me, whether you are what did the offending, or someone else did. I didn't go to Ann, or to Des, or even Angel, and I will tell you why. Des, hated you. HATED you. Hell, most my friends, hated you. But, I liked you, always have, despite you'd piss me off, alot. Remember all those times I'd just disappear for a week or so. I didn't disappear, I just went invis to you on YIM. Why? Because you had upset me, or whatever, and I needed time to cool down. I wouldn't go to Des about it, because that would just be suicide/murder.
When Ann came back into my life, and as more than just what she was in the beginning, when we were still not living otgether, she was barely online for me to talk to. So, I never went to her. When we lived together, and I had an issue with you, sure, I'd talk to her about it. And she'd help me out, calm me down, and when I was cool about it, I'd confront you. Why Angel is even being brough up, is beyond me. Because Angel and I never talked about ANYTHING other than a few certain things, and Josh, sorry to say, but you were never a topic of discussion with Angel. Kash on the other hand.. Kash and I, talk abotu everything. As would be expected, however, unlike Ann, Kash is more like me.
Kash confronts the problem. Confronts you, when I can't because I'm too upset. Everytime he has, I have been involved, with out being 'involved'. I've known what was going to be said, before he'd even say it to you, and I had no problems with how he worded himself. Which to be honest, could have been VERY bad, compared to what was said. However, I'm going to say that now, it was not wrong, but probably not the best thing to do. So, I will apologize on my behalf. Also, to make this clear, I have NEVER told anyone your feelings. Anything anyone else knows about how YOU feel, you've either blogged about, or stated publically, for anyone to see.
For you to say something like that, just makes me even more angry with you. But whatever, I am done with that subject. Now, I am -there- for you, as much as I fucking can be. Aren't you being a little selfish and self-centered? I am going through A LOT of shit right now, so take my 'absense' as if I just don't care, as if I am a horrible friend. When in reality, it's just me, taking the time I need, to heal the wounds inflicted on me. As is my right, and damn it, for you to say I don't deserve to heal from the shit that's happened to me, because that would mean I'm taking away your precious 'friend' wow. Josh, just wow. Thanks.
You are not the only one upset by all of this. I lost you, just as much as you lost me. I've not had 'fantasies' about you, but I have had one moment.. where, yeah. But that's all I'm saying, and that was way back in February.. makes me laugh, we had just got done talking via text on the cell, but nevermind that. I don't care that you've had fantasies about me, in fact, I'm quite flattered. You're not the only one not sleeping. I haven't slept well, Kash isn't sleeping, and I'd go so far as to say Molly's even sleeping pretty shitty, but that's just a guess, since I haven't talked to her.
If by the comment about acting immaturely about a topic as adult as what was being said in that plurk.. you are the one that was misunderstanding. You guys were acting so immature about something as natural as masturbation. Female masturabtion, or not. You were handling it very immaturely. 'OMG, girls have cooties!' Etc. That's basically what it seemed like, and for grown men to be acting like that.. Kash nor myself, weren't saying we were more mature than you guys, nor were we saying we were better than you guys. But you were acting very immature, about the TOPIC of conversation. But, that's the past, and I'm over with it. I will not keep going back to that.
This thing with you Josh now, has gone beyond that one fucking plurk/conversation. Now about giving so and so's the 'boot' on plurk, um.. I did go to them. And I refuse to go back on it, or my reason. I refuse to lower my fucking standards of what I believe a friend should be, because some people don't feel like putting the effort in. Fuck that. I'd rather have ONE true friend, than a bunch of aquaintances.
Our friendship has not disappeared, and especially not because of Kash. I have slowly been secluding myself from EVERYONE, because I've been hurt. Having to deal with Ann, and then my family, ALL of them, the shit with my brother, my mother, my grandmother.. moved 3 times, with in 3 months. Lost 3 of my pets, for whatever reasons. 2 of which, were my best friends! Like Kiara is yours, I lost my Corey and Shayde. Both of which I raised from kittens. Don't act so fucking selfish! I've gone through a lot, so god for fucking bid I need to step back and take some 'me' time Josh.
Yet, I've still made time, what little time it was, to sit down and talk to you about YOUR life. Your dreams, your hopes, wishes, your fears. I've wished with you, for all that you wish to have. And it is NOT stupid Josh. If you went to Molly and vented about me, and she told me.. I really doubt you'd appreciate that. Sometimes you need to see things as if they were the other way around to really appreciate the situation. Bt the way, Molly did NOT stand up to me, so I don't even know where you get off stating that she did. I don't hate when I'm wrong, in fact I love learning that maybe something I thought was not true. I love learning new things. I am always changing and evolving BECAUSE of this. Yet you claim you know me.
You do know what buttons to push, and you made sure to push them. Because of that Josh, THAT is why I can NOT forive you, and for any time soon. At least I went to SOMEONE else, when I was angry. I respected our friendship enough, to blow off my steam, before I confronted you. Which is more than I can say for you. It is what almost made our friendship end the last time, and it is what ended it this time.
I wont deny that I am 'lost' why the fuck do you think my UserName is Lost, or PathUnknown?!? Wow, you act as if I don't know MYSELF! But I do Josh. I do. I'm not pushing myself farther away from anything, if anything, I'm pushing myself CLOSER to finally having something. I am not someone I hate, and how dare you claim to love me, and then say that I will find out one day I truly hate myself. Thanks for telling me how much you truly hate me. IF my relationship with Kash doesn't work, it will be no ones fault by mine and his, and no ones business, but mine and his. So stay the fuck out of it from now on.
The more I read this, and try to respond, especially since I'm reading this for a second time, it's really starting to piss me off. So, I am just going to end this now, I really have nothing more to say. I don't -need- friends like you and Molly, if all you really think about me, is that I am horrible, and someone worthy of hate. I know Molly doesn't feel that way, but with this blog, you've basically just stated that. So, I don't need friends like you Josh. I need friends, but definitely not friends that only wish the worst, for me. Think the worst, of me. And all because I am trying to make the best, for me, and of me.
I can't speak for myself two weeks from now, two months from now, two years from now, but as of right now, we can not be friends. I wish you well, in everything you do. Good luck with that job. You have my email. Feel free to use it. But that's a stretch, for me to even feel comfortable emailing back. I'm still looking forward to all those sunsets on the ocean, if you feel like sharing.
Good luck man.
-Khai
And now, Kash's response:
I'm just going to go through this entire thing. So happy reading.
It's all great and well that you have your random thoughts just like everyone else. All this drama you so call it, which stemmed from a plurk, yes, as stupid as it may have been, the realism of what it as about, still offends many. And, for a good reason, but I personally won't go into that. If all of the bisexual, straight and lesbian women, and the few gay men that actually care about women's rights and what not want to step in and talk about this, then they can but as for me, I'm never talking about that subject again from that plurk.
Moving on.
From what I know to be true, since I joined HO months before Khai even joined HO, and knowing that HO hasn't even been around for that long - How can you say you've known him for almost four years? That's just crazy. It's been almost three. I'm not going to talk for Khai in this, since it's not my place, never has been my place, and never have I spoken for him, unless he literally asked me too, which was only once, might I add. But, for the mere fact you are stating that he was offended that you are gay, just makes me honestly laugh. How can you sit there and type that when you know, you fucking know, that was and is not the case. How can you sit there and state that he thinks you think he's an internet friend when you, yes, you, were the one that stated that he was only that. What the hell? You were the one that stated all of that, so why are you the one twisting words now? You never expressed that he said this, you expressed that you felt everything was online. If you read our blogs, you'd know this to be true, and you'd realize what you just wrote has no standing what so ever. This whole Molly thing, no, I'm sorry but that's wrong, and she has even came to apologize to him, after she realized how wrong she really was. So, Yeah, I'm not even going to get into this part because, it had nothing to do with me. The only thing I will go about stating is, Khai never has shown me anything that you said to him in confidence, because that would be just plain stupid. So, unless you are meaning my latest blogs, I have no clue what you are even talking about how my blogs, all of my blogs, that has you stated in it, was something you told him. So, please, tell me where you are getting off on that part because, I'm extremely curious Show me word for word, and I'll have him scour over his IM archives and see what the hell you are getting at. Okay? Great.
Let's keep moving shall we?
I would also love t know how he pushed you away. I would love to know how he rubbed every single person in your face. But, what I would love to know even more is, how have you actually tried? Adding me to your messenger, and talking to me about stupid shit once or twice every couple of months is not trying to get to know me. You asked me one complicated question months ago, asking me why I love Khai, and I answered you in the best manner that I could because, let's face it, that question isn't easily stated into words. Love can't be written out expressingly, its always going to come out simplistically when love is far from it. And, just to state the obvious, that's not getting to know me. Never once have you asked me, "hey kash, how are you feeling today? How's your grandfather doing? What is your favorite color." You know, that is getting to know someone. You have never once done that. So, how you can say you tried, that just makes me laugh. You never have once tried to break down my walls, fuck, Khai hasn't even broken down all of my walls, so, you don't even know what you are talking about when you speak on this. Another thing, what I blog about is none of anyone's business but mine. So, if I want to write a 'sob blog' as you put it, I can, but why the fuck would I when you're the one bitching. If you've read my latest blog, it has nothing to do with anything about you. But, you've read it haven't you? Obviously. That's fine and dandy, that's what it's there for. And, just for the obvious shaker here, for you to say you know who I am. You don't know shit. You know one thing about me. What my secret is, and that is it. That isn't knowing who I am. What I'm about, or, anything that I've been through. And, it's not for you to know, its for my husband to know.
Great. Next paragraph.
You never pushed yourself on me. You've talked to me a total of, oh, let's count it. One time asking about why I love khai. Twice asking me where he was. Once to bitch about how stupid we were being, when you didn't understand what was going on, and you were basing it off of old information. Once about a tattoo. which had nothing to do with me, or getting to know me. once on new years eve, and once saying whats up, me answering and you never saying another word. That's pushing yourself on me? Wow. You must be so fucking proud of yourself, because, that's just expending so much energy. Please, explain to me how that's pushing yourself on me, and trying. But, I will go to say, just because he's friends or was friends with you, does not mean I'm meant to be friends with anyone that is friends with him. My bestfriends don't even talk to him despite they have maybe a couple of times. I don't push them on him, and they don't push themselves on him. Seriously, that's not how friendships go. My friends do not have to be his friends, and vice versa, and anyone that says other wise is just plain stupid. That's like saying you have to be friends with Matthew Lush because You're friends with Connor. Not a great example but, still its explaining what I'm meaning. Things just do not work that way. I don't need to be close to anyone he knows, not even his family. Nor does he need to be, that's just common sense. And, I can tell you now, you and I will never be friends. You've gone to far. If he comes back to you as a friend, that's up to him, I won't tell him what he has to do, nor have I ever, but, to say you and I have to be friends because of your benefit having to do with him, no, sorry. Not going to happen. I told you once, we could be friends, but after you've said everything you have said. after everything you have done. Never. And, that is my own perorgative. Never once have I claimed anything jealousy, but you surely do act jealous in this blog entry. You call it honesty, but I call it you twisting your words for your own benefit so others will see your side, will love you and not the truth. I'm sorry but the whole woe is me shit is not a very nice color on you. You say you've never been jealous of me, then prove it. Show me how my blog has ever said you were jealous. Show me how you aren't jealous even in your own blog. I personally think you never were jealous of Ann or Angel because you knew they weren't a threat and for specific reasons, and I can name those reasons but I personally don't think they need to be spoken in a public place. But, you have always felt me as a threat, and you've said so yourself in a public place vaguely. Its not my fault that I read inbetween the lines. None of your problems with Khai stem from me, they stem from you, so. Yeah. That's just blowing smoke out your ass. And, since I'm not Khai all I'll say about when he takes offense to something about you, knowing Khai as well as I do, I know he never came straight to you after it happened. And, he never really had someone to go to - to begin with, until me. You wouldn't understand that though, but you should. He never once has told me to tell you or anyone else that they were immature, because i don't talk for him. He is his own person. The words "immature" came out of my mouth and if you read what and how I said it, you'd know what it meant. There is a huge difference in being immature and acting immature about a situation and I pointed that out. The end. And, for the fact that you say he's yours, he's never been yours, despite you say not yours but he's been there for you.. We both know what you mean by that, because you've stated it over and over again. I'm sorry but Khai isn't and won't ever be what you want him to be, because, like he has said repeatedly, he doesn't feel that way about you. Apparently you say you know this, but from how you keep typing, you don't. First you say you know me, but now you say you don't know me. So which is it? I know which, but maybe you're confused about which one it is?
Moving on..
I personally don't want to hear about your fantasies despite everyone has them. The end.
Next paragraph.
Sometimes sorry isn't good enough. Most of the time sorry isn't good enough, not in a case like this. I personally have nothing to apologize for, because I've done nothing wrong. I still feel the same way I felt about that plurk, and thats my perorgative to feel that way. Why you felt offended is your own business, because, honestly everyone in that plurk was being immature like 10 year old boys talking about girls in a new light for the first time. If you see it as me calling you or them immature, then by god, take it that way, but you obviously didn't read it, or think about it before you spoke. And, just for the mere fact you are saying that I claimed Khai felt it too, never once did I. Khai posted he felt the same as I did, I never said it. And, pointing out the obvious here, I saw the plurk, which meant I knew who the people are. Gasp! Kash knows people. Yes, I know people. Hello.. Is that a shocker? Right. You didn't stand up for me, you just stated you were going to talk to me on IM. Which personally I wish you never did. I don't see how my words were flipped around, when nearly this entire entry you made has been nothing but a contradiction and twisting of your own words. YoURS Josh, not anyone's but yours. I'm not the type to twist words. I'm blunt. I say how I feel when I feel and if someone doesn't like it, albeit even Khai, then oh fucking well. I don't have a reason to twist my words. How you read them, however, is another point entirely. Good luck with that. I've got a right to blog when I need or want to blog, whether its been about you, or him, or even Ann, god forbid, theres a law stating I can't blog what I feel at the time I feel it. Oh no, that means you can't either, wow. That's basically what you just said, to me, because, basically I twist my words and go straight to my blog. Right. Enough of that. the only thing I'll say about the whole true friends thing, is, what Khai has done, theres nothing wrong with it. And, for you to say that no one is above or below that, no one has ever said that, but you. Apparently when someone doesn't agree with what you say, they are automatically thinking they are above you or your opinions. That's just great man. Great thinking there.
And.. next thing.
I'm sorry to say it, but the closer Khai got to me, is the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Your friendship with him, despite I really can't speak about this, is and has been fading because of you, not because of me, despite its about me. I can't talk about Molly, because, I don't know Molly. I barely know you. The end. All I will say about one thing is, there never really needs to be a mediator in a friendship. But apparently you think so. I will go to say that Molly never stood up to him, despite she did come back to apologize knowing she was wrong, but I've already stated that. I honestly think you are the real one that hates being wrong, because knowing Khai from experience, he doesn't hate being wrong. Hell, I don't hate being wrong. You learn from being wrong. And, that's how you ascend. I will go to say that, where the fuck do you get off stating that Khai will eventually find out he will hate who he is and that he's going to fuck our relationship up? First of all, you don't have a right to even be in and talking about something that has only to do with he and I. So, step the fuck back. If something happens to us, that will have to do with us. And, I honestly don't see that happening, but, hey, my intuition which is quite strong might I add, can be wrong about that. Like I said, I don't hate being wrong, because I love learning. I want to continue to ascend. But, for you to say that you love him, then go to say that he'll end up being someone he hates just proves how much you don't know, and how much you don't think before you speak. All I will say is, stay the fuck out of what you don't know, and that doesn't have to do with you.
Moving on..
For you to say that I'm his soulmate then going on to say that I won't be able to do everything for him.. That's just ridiculous in my mind. What I can't do, he can do for himself and vice versa. No one claims that we can do everything for one another, but that's what soulmates are, Josh, we complete the other and do what we need to and the rest is wanting too. And, all the other stuff either doesn't matter, or, matters enough for the other half to do it for themselves. I won't and don't speak for him, but, if you needed him as much as you've stated, and gone to say half of the other shit you have, and done since September, I just think that's, well, that's for you to realize. It's not my place to be your guru. But, that's really all that I have to say. Get your facts straight. Stop being an ass, and move the fuck on.
&; Kash
Okay, now that all that is there.. get your read on, make your own opinions. I didn't get to save Molly's comment, of which needed to be here, but I didn't think to save hers in time. As I've been pretty busy since I've forced my happy ass out of bed. But yeah. It's done, and it's over. The end.
-Khai
---HAS SINCE DELETED JOSH'S ORIGINAL BLOG, BECAUSE JOSH DOESN'T WANT HIS FEELINGS/THOUGHTS PUBLIC ANY LONGER, WHICH IS HIS PREROGATIVE. I'M NOT GOING TO SAY NO, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ASS, THE ASS OF WHICH HE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME OUT TO BE---
That was his original blog, now here is my response:
2 years, going on three years Josh, it's been since we've met. And we didn't even get 'close' until a year later. Just thought I'd point that out.
I was not offended because you are gay, or because you don't like pussy. But, I am not going to go on about this, because I say it's one thing, and you say it's another. I'm over it. It's done.
Now, about the whole 'He believes I think of him as an internet friend, someone who isn't real' you said that Josh. You said it, in IM and in comments to my blog. You said that I was jealous because you wanted/needed friends that are 'closer to home'.
I know you've supported me, as I have supported you, but now all the sudden, all my support just didn't/doesn't exist, because you are now saying I never cared, and only used you to vent to when I was angry or upset.
How can you say that, and yet say I am your best friend, and you are basically begging me to please remain in your life. If I am SO horrible, why all this? Why? Why are you stating that I never cared about you ever, and just used you? But, you're begging me to stay?
Molly was wrong, and she's apologized. I'm not fully comfortable with going back to what we were, but she had apologized, and it's a start. It is not okay to copy paste what someone says, especially when they are venting in anger about another person. Just like if you were to vent to me about Molly, or someone else, I would NEVER go and copy paste what you say. And, I can bet you APPRECIATE that about me, and you would never feel you'd have to ask me to NOT say something, because friends don't need to say stuff like that. Or they shouldn't HAVE to.
About telling Kash things.. I don't tell Kash a fourth of what you say to me. Especially the personal/private things. However, Kash has a brain, he has his intuition, just as I do, and he can think and feel things for his own. Just like I can, he can. He blogs what he feels. I blog, what I feel. I don't even know why I am responding to this, because half of what you've said here, has already been proven innacurate by my own admission in my own blogs. But whatever.
I don't even know how to respond to 'I forgave you EVERYTIME, Every fucking time you basically spit in my face. Every time you ever told me something that justt hit hard.' So, I wont. And it's not rubbing someone else in your face, when I am talking about who I am 'with' at the time, just because it's not YOU. Josh, if you couldn't handle being my friend, due to the fact you felt more for me than just 'friend' we should have ended our friendship that day I asked if you could handle it. You said you could, and now you are saying I am RUBBING my love life in your face, as if I was being an ASS, for having one that didn't include you. I'm not okay with this statement, but what can I do.
I can't speak for Kash, but I will say, I don't believe you did as much as you could have done, to make Kash feel comfortable with being even slightly close, or open to you. Fucking A, Josh, not everyone can just trust someone right off the bat. Hell, I didn't trust you for almost a year and a HALF! So, don't think it should have miraculously happened with you and Kash, because that is just ridiculous. I've told you this before, but you insist on ignoring it. Just because you are/were my friend, doesn't mean you automatically have that trust with him. I agree that the problem started with Kash, however, they stem from you, Josh, because of Kash.
Now, agreed, I -used- to come to you, when something offended me, whether you are what did the offending, or someone else did. I didn't go to Ann, or to Des, or even Angel, and I will tell you why. Des, hated you. HATED you. Hell, most my friends, hated you. But, I liked you, always have, despite you'd piss me off, alot. Remember all those times I'd just disappear for a week or so. I didn't disappear, I just went invis to you on YIM. Why? Because you had upset me, or whatever, and I needed time to cool down. I wouldn't go to Des about it, because that would just be suicide/murder.
When Ann came back into my life, and as more than just what she was in the beginning, when we were still not living otgether, she was barely online for me to talk to. So, I never went to her. When we lived together, and I had an issue with you, sure, I'd talk to her about it. And she'd help me out, calm me down, and when I was cool about it, I'd confront you. Why Angel is even being brough up, is beyond me. Because Angel and I never talked about ANYTHING other than a few certain things, and Josh, sorry to say, but you were never a topic of discussion with Angel. Kash on the other hand.. Kash and I, talk abotu everything. As would be expected, however, unlike Ann, Kash is more like me.
Kash confronts the problem. Confronts you, when I can't because I'm too upset. Everytime he has, I have been involved, with out being 'involved'. I've known what was going to be said, before he'd even say it to you, and I had no problems with how he worded himself. Which to be honest, could have been VERY bad, compared to what was said. However, I'm going to say that now, it was not wrong, but probably not the best thing to do. So, I will apologize on my behalf. Also, to make this clear, I have NEVER told anyone your feelings. Anything anyone else knows about how YOU feel, you've either blogged about, or stated publically, for anyone to see.
For you to say something like that, just makes me even more angry with you. But whatever, I am done with that subject. Now, I am -there- for you, as much as I fucking can be. Aren't you being a little selfish and self-centered? I am going through A LOT of shit right now, so take my 'absense' as if I just don't care, as if I am a horrible friend. When in reality, it's just me, taking the time I need, to heal the wounds inflicted on me. As is my right, and damn it, for you to say I don't deserve to heal from the shit that's happened to me, because that would mean I'm taking away your precious 'friend' wow. Josh, just wow. Thanks.
You are not the only one upset by all of this. I lost you, just as much as you lost me. I've not had 'fantasies' about you, but I have had one moment.. where, yeah. But that's all I'm saying, and that was way back in February.. makes me laugh, we had just got done talking via text on the cell, but nevermind that. I don't care that you've had fantasies about me, in fact, I'm quite flattered. You're not the only one not sleeping. I haven't slept well, Kash isn't sleeping, and I'd go so far as to say Molly's even sleeping pretty shitty, but that's just a guess, since I haven't talked to her.
If by the comment about acting immaturely about a topic as adult as what was being said in that plurk.. you are the one that was misunderstanding. You guys were acting so immature about something as natural as masturbation. Female masturabtion, or not. You were handling it very immaturely. 'OMG, girls have cooties!' Etc. That's basically what it seemed like, and for grown men to be acting like that.. Kash nor myself, weren't saying we were more mature than you guys, nor were we saying we were better than you guys. But you were acting very immature, about the TOPIC of conversation. But, that's the past, and I'm over with it. I will not keep going back to that.
This thing with you Josh now, has gone beyond that one fucking plurk/conversation. Now about giving so and so's the 'boot' on plurk, um.. I did go to them. And I refuse to go back on it, or my reason. I refuse to lower my fucking standards of what I believe a friend should be, because some people don't feel like putting the effort in. Fuck that. I'd rather have ONE true friend, than a bunch of aquaintances.
Our friendship has not disappeared, and especially not because of Kash. I have slowly been secluding myself from EVERYONE, because I've been hurt. Having to deal with Ann, and then my family, ALL of them, the shit with my brother, my mother, my grandmother.. moved 3 times, with in 3 months. Lost 3 of my pets, for whatever reasons. 2 of which, were my best friends! Like Kiara is yours, I lost my Corey and Shayde. Both of which I raised from kittens. Don't act so fucking selfish! I've gone through a lot, so god for fucking bid I need to step back and take some 'me' time Josh.
Yet, I've still made time, what little time it was, to sit down and talk to you about YOUR life. Your dreams, your hopes, wishes, your fears. I've wished with you, for all that you wish to have. And it is NOT stupid Josh. If you went to Molly and vented about me, and she told me.. I really doubt you'd appreciate that. Sometimes you need to see things as if they were the other way around to really appreciate the situation. Bt the way, Molly did NOT stand up to me, so I don't even know where you get off stating that she did. I don't hate when I'm wrong, in fact I love learning that maybe something I thought was not true. I love learning new things. I am always changing and evolving BECAUSE of this. Yet you claim you know me.
You do know what buttons to push, and you made sure to push them. Because of that Josh, THAT is why I can NOT forive you, and for any time soon. At least I went to SOMEONE else, when I was angry. I respected our friendship enough, to blow off my steam, before I confronted you. Which is more than I can say for you. It is what almost made our friendship end the last time, and it is what ended it this time.
I wont deny that I am 'lost' why the fuck do you think my UserName is Lost, or PathUnknown?!? Wow, you act as if I don't know MYSELF! But I do Josh. I do. I'm not pushing myself farther away from anything, if anything, I'm pushing myself CLOSER to finally having something. I am not someone I hate, and how dare you claim to love me, and then say that I will find out one day I truly hate myself. Thanks for telling me how much you truly hate me. IF my relationship with Kash doesn't work, it will be no ones fault by mine and his, and no ones business, but mine and his. So stay the fuck out of it from now on.
The more I read this, and try to respond, especially since I'm reading this for a second time, it's really starting to piss me off. So, I am just going to end this now, I really have nothing more to say. I don't -need- friends like you and Molly, if all you really think about me, is that I am horrible, and someone worthy of hate. I know Molly doesn't feel that way, but with this blog, you've basically just stated that. So, I don't need friends like you Josh. I need friends, but definitely not friends that only wish the worst, for me. Think the worst, of me. And all because I am trying to make the best, for me, and of me.
I can't speak for myself two weeks from now, two months from now, two years from now, but as of right now, we can not be friends. I wish you well, in everything you do. Good luck with that job. You have my email. Feel free to use it. But that's a stretch, for me to even feel comfortable emailing back. I'm still looking forward to all those sunsets on the ocean, if you feel like sharing.
Good luck man.
-Khai
And now, Kash's response:
I'm just going to go through this entire thing. So happy reading.
It's all great and well that you have your random thoughts just like everyone else. All this drama you so call it, which stemmed from a plurk, yes, as stupid as it may have been, the realism of what it as about, still offends many. And, for a good reason, but I personally won't go into that. If all of the bisexual, straight and lesbian women, and the few gay men that actually care about women's rights and what not want to step in and talk about this, then they can but as for me, I'm never talking about that subject again from that plurk.
Moving on.
From what I know to be true, since I joined HO months before Khai even joined HO, and knowing that HO hasn't even been around for that long - How can you say you've known him for almost four years? That's just crazy. It's been almost three. I'm not going to talk for Khai in this, since it's not my place, never has been my place, and never have I spoken for him, unless he literally asked me too, which was only once, might I add. But, for the mere fact you are stating that he was offended that you are gay, just makes me honestly laugh. How can you sit there and type that when you know, you fucking know, that was and is not the case. How can you sit there and state that he thinks you think he's an internet friend when you, yes, you, were the one that stated that he was only that. What the hell? You were the one that stated all of that, so why are you the one twisting words now? You never expressed that he said this, you expressed that you felt everything was online. If you read our blogs, you'd know this to be true, and you'd realize what you just wrote has no standing what so ever. This whole Molly thing, no, I'm sorry but that's wrong, and she has even came to apologize to him, after she realized how wrong she really was. So, Yeah, I'm not even going to get into this part because, it had nothing to do with me. The only thing I will go about stating is, Khai never has shown me anything that you said to him in confidence, because that would be just plain stupid. So, unless you are meaning my latest blogs, I have no clue what you are even talking about how my blogs, all of my blogs, that has you stated in it, was something you told him. So, please, tell me where you are getting off on that part because, I'm extremely curious Show me word for word, and I'll have him scour over his IM archives and see what the hell you are getting at. Okay? Great.
Let's keep moving shall we?
I would also love t know how he pushed you away. I would love to know how he rubbed every single person in your face. But, what I would love to know even more is, how have you actually tried? Adding me to your messenger, and talking to me about stupid shit once or twice every couple of months is not trying to get to know me. You asked me one complicated question months ago, asking me why I love Khai, and I answered you in the best manner that I could because, let's face it, that question isn't easily stated into words. Love can't be written out expressingly, its always going to come out simplistically when love is far from it. And, just to state the obvious, that's not getting to know me. Never once have you asked me, "hey kash, how are you feeling today? How's your grandfather doing? What is your favorite color." You know, that is getting to know someone. You have never once done that. So, how you can say you tried, that just makes me laugh. You never have once tried to break down my walls, fuck, Khai hasn't even broken down all of my walls, so, you don't even know what you are talking about when you speak on this. Another thing, what I blog about is none of anyone's business but mine. So, if I want to write a 'sob blog' as you put it, I can, but why the fuck would I when you're the one bitching. If you've read my latest blog, it has nothing to do with anything about you. But, you've read it haven't you? Obviously. That's fine and dandy, that's what it's there for. And, just for the obvious shaker here, for you to say you know who I am. You don't know shit. You know one thing about me. What my secret is, and that is it. That isn't knowing who I am. What I'm about, or, anything that I've been through. And, it's not for you to know, its for my husband to know.
Great. Next paragraph.
You never pushed yourself on me. You've talked to me a total of, oh, let's count it. One time asking about why I love khai. Twice asking me where he was. Once to bitch about how stupid we were being, when you didn't understand what was going on, and you were basing it off of old information. Once about a tattoo. which had nothing to do with me, or getting to know me. once on new years eve, and once saying whats up, me answering and you never saying another word. That's pushing yourself on me? Wow. You must be so fucking proud of yourself, because, that's just expending so much energy. Please, explain to me how that's pushing yourself on me, and trying. But, I will go to say, just because he's friends or was friends with you, does not mean I'm meant to be friends with anyone that is friends with him. My bestfriends don't even talk to him despite they have maybe a couple of times. I don't push them on him, and they don't push themselves on him. Seriously, that's not how friendships go. My friends do not have to be his friends, and vice versa, and anyone that says other wise is just plain stupid. That's like saying you have to be friends with Matthew Lush because You're friends with Connor. Not a great example but, still its explaining what I'm meaning. Things just do not work that way. I don't need to be close to anyone he knows, not even his family. Nor does he need to be, that's just common sense. And, I can tell you now, you and I will never be friends. You've gone to far. If he comes back to you as a friend, that's up to him, I won't tell him what he has to do, nor have I ever, but, to say you and I have to be friends because of your benefit having to do with him, no, sorry. Not going to happen. I told you once, we could be friends, but after you've said everything you have said. after everything you have done. Never. And, that is my own perorgative. Never once have I claimed anything jealousy, but you surely do act jealous in this blog entry. You call it honesty, but I call it you twisting your words for your own benefit so others will see your side, will love you and not the truth. I'm sorry but the whole woe is me shit is not a very nice color on you. You say you've never been jealous of me, then prove it. Show me how my blog has ever said you were jealous. Show me how you aren't jealous even in your own blog. I personally think you never were jealous of Ann or Angel because you knew they weren't a threat and for specific reasons, and I can name those reasons but I personally don't think they need to be spoken in a public place. But, you have always felt me as a threat, and you've said so yourself in a public place vaguely. Its not my fault that I read inbetween the lines. None of your problems with Khai stem from me, they stem from you, so. Yeah. That's just blowing smoke out your ass. And, since I'm not Khai all I'll say about when he takes offense to something about you, knowing Khai as well as I do, I know he never came straight to you after it happened. And, he never really had someone to go to - to begin with, until me. You wouldn't understand that though, but you should. He never once has told me to tell you or anyone else that they were immature, because i don't talk for him. He is his own person. The words "immature" came out of my mouth and if you read what and how I said it, you'd know what it meant. There is a huge difference in being immature and acting immature about a situation and I pointed that out. The end. And, for the fact that you say he's yours, he's never been yours, despite you say not yours but he's been there for you.. We both know what you mean by that, because you've stated it over and over again. I'm sorry but Khai isn't and won't ever be what you want him to be, because, like he has said repeatedly, he doesn't feel that way about you. Apparently you say you know this, but from how you keep typing, you don't. First you say you know me, but now you say you don't know me. So which is it? I know which, but maybe you're confused about which one it is?
Moving on..
I personally don't want to hear about your fantasies despite everyone has them. The end.
Next paragraph.
Sometimes sorry isn't good enough. Most of the time sorry isn't good enough, not in a case like this. I personally have nothing to apologize for, because I've done nothing wrong. I still feel the same way I felt about that plurk, and thats my perorgative to feel that way. Why you felt offended is your own business, because, honestly everyone in that plurk was being immature like 10 year old boys talking about girls in a new light for the first time. If you see it as me calling you or them immature, then by god, take it that way, but you obviously didn't read it, or think about it before you spoke. And, just for the mere fact you are saying that I claimed Khai felt it too, never once did I. Khai posted he felt the same as I did, I never said it. And, pointing out the obvious here, I saw the plurk, which meant I knew who the people are. Gasp! Kash knows people. Yes, I know people. Hello.. Is that a shocker? Right. You didn't stand up for me, you just stated you were going to talk to me on IM. Which personally I wish you never did. I don't see how my words were flipped around, when nearly this entire entry you made has been nothing but a contradiction and twisting of your own words. YoURS Josh, not anyone's but yours. I'm not the type to twist words. I'm blunt. I say how I feel when I feel and if someone doesn't like it, albeit even Khai, then oh fucking well. I don't have a reason to twist my words. How you read them, however, is another point entirely. Good luck with that. I've got a right to blog when I need or want to blog, whether its been about you, or him, or even Ann, god forbid, theres a law stating I can't blog what I feel at the time I feel it. Oh no, that means you can't either, wow. That's basically what you just said, to me, because, basically I twist my words and go straight to my blog. Right. Enough of that. the only thing I'll say about the whole true friends thing, is, what Khai has done, theres nothing wrong with it. And, for you to say that no one is above or below that, no one has ever said that, but you. Apparently when someone doesn't agree with what you say, they are automatically thinking they are above you or your opinions. That's just great man. Great thinking there.
And.. next thing.
I'm sorry to say it, but the closer Khai got to me, is the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Your friendship with him, despite I really can't speak about this, is and has been fading because of you, not because of me, despite its about me. I can't talk about Molly, because, I don't know Molly. I barely know you. The end. All I will say about one thing is, there never really needs to be a mediator in a friendship. But apparently you think so. I will go to say that Molly never stood up to him, despite she did come back to apologize knowing she was wrong, but I've already stated that. I honestly think you are the real one that hates being wrong, because knowing Khai from experience, he doesn't hate being wrong. Hell, I don't hate being wrong. You learn from being wrong. And, that's how you ascend. I will go to say that, where the fuck do you get off stating that Khai will eventually find out he will hate who he is and that he's going to fuck our relationship up? First of all, you don't have a right to even be in and talking about something that has only to do with he and I. So, step the fuck back. If something happens to us, that will have to do with us. And, I honestly don't see that happening, but, hey, my intuition which is quite strong might I add, can be wrong about that. Like I said, I don't hate being wrong, because I love learning. I want to continue to ascend. But, for you to say that you love him, then go to say that he'll end up being someone he hates just proves how much you don't know, and how much you don't think before you speak. All I will say is, stay the fuck out of what you don't know, and that doesn't have to do with you.
Moving on..
For you to say that I'm his soulmate then going on to say that I won't be able to do everything for him.. That's just ridiculous in my mind. What I can't do, he can do for himself and vice versa. No one claims that we can do everything for one another, but that's what soulmates are, Josh, we complete the other and do what we need to and the rest is wanting too. And, all the other stuff either doesn't matter, or, matters enough for the other half to do it for themselves. I won't and don't speak for him, but, if you needed him as much as you've stated, and gone to say half of the other shit you have, and done since September, I just think that's, well, that's for you to realize. It's not my place to be your guru. But, that's really all that I have to say. Get your facts straight. Stop being an ass, and move the fuck on.
&; Kash
Okay, now that all that is there.. get your read on, make your own opinions. I didn't get to save Molly's comment, of which needed to be here, but I didn't think to save hers in time. As I've been pretty busy since I've forced my happy ass out of bed. But yeah. It's done, and it's over. The end.
-Khai
I've said my peace,
And I don't think I can really say it any more straight forward than I have here in the past few journal entries, and comments, along with this past blog entry of Josh's comment to him. Feel free to read it, for you will get the gist of all I've been feeling lately, and my current standing on this entire issue. I am so far done arguing about all this crap, it's not funny. In fact, it is beginning to become infuriating. Enough is enough. If there is any hope of a friendship later on, it's only being squandered by this constant round-about.
Maybe more words will come to me later, but I've just since lost any and all that had flooded my brain. Oh well. I'm used to it by now. Better I've forgotten it, so that I am not left sitting here angry again. I'm trying to keep drama out of my life, and I'm doing what I have to do, to keep it that way.
I am turning over a new leaf, and along with it, I'm making big changes with how I do things on plurk. Because I want a drama free life, I am removing any possible links to drama overload.
I have a lot of big changes in my life ahead, and the less drama I have, the easier it will be for me to deal with life in general. If I took you off of my friends list, it wasn't because I don't think
of you as a friend, it was because I respect myself, and you enough to take away any possible grievances, intentional or not, due to the fact we share acquaintances. It's a known fact sometimes we say something. tho we don't necessarily mean harm by it, but some one could take offense, and I'd rather just keep that shit as far away from me as possible. Please fan me, as I have fanned you, because I am still interested in what's going on in your lives, I just need to make sure I put up a barrier that for right now, will keep us both from unnecessary drama. Until I can be sure that by adding you as a friend, allowing you to see my more personal life, that no hurt feelings will arise on any side, yours, mine, or others.
-Khai
Maybe more words will come to me later, but I've just since lost any and all that had flooded my brain. Oh well. I'm used to it by now. Better I've forgotten it, so that I am not left sitting here angry again. I'm trying to keep drama out of my life, and I'm doing what I have to do, to keep it that way.
I am turning over a new leaf, and along with it, I'm making big changes with how I do things on plurk. Because I want a drama free life, I am removing any possible links to drama overload.
I have a lot of big changes in my life ahead, and the less drama I have, the easier it will be for me to deal with life in general. If I took you off of my friends list, it wasn't because I don't think
of you as a friend, it was because I respect myself, and you enough to take away any possible grievances, intentional or not, due to the fact we share acquaintances. It's a known fact sometimes we say something. tho we don't necessarily mean harm by it, but some one could take offense, and I'd rather just keep that shit as far away from me as possible. Please fan me, as I have fanned you, because I am still interested in what's going on in your lives, I just need to make sure I put up a barrier that for right now, will keep us both from unnecessary drama. Until I can be sure that by adding you as a friend, allowing you to see my more personal life, that no hurt feelings will arise on any side, yours, mine, or others.
-Khai
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
So,
I don't think I will ever recover from this. Things that were said, despite said in anger, have cut me like a knife. Despite I know they are not true even, still left a deep wound in my soul. For him to say I have never been honest with him, when I've been the most honest with him than with anyone other than Kash. Even when I had 'physical' friends, who at the time I considered best friends, I still talked to Josh about things, rather them.
I had always felt he was one person I could be honest with, and once I had revealed a certain secret about myself to him, there was nothing left to hide with him. I can't help that he takes my lack of socialability as a sign of me just not caring about him, not needing him. Just using him when I'm upset or in need. If that was the case, I would have gone to him with every fight, every struggle I endeared and nothing else. However, he only knew half the times I was fighting with Kash, or anyone else.
Not to mention, I wouldn't have sat there and talked with him about his own issues, his own struggles. I wouldn't have been cheering him on with everything he was hoping for to be good in his life. I wanted, and still want and wish him the best in his life. I don't hate the fact that the needs 'real' friends, because apparently I'm not real, since it's just 'online'. Despite I'm moving closer, and wanted it to be more than just online.
That just goes to prove that I really didn't want our friendship to be anything more than what it was. If you couldn't tell, that was written with sarcasm behind it. I have never felt so low about myself, and felt like seriously fading away into dust at this very spot, before. It really has nothing to do with what was said, it was the mere fact that it was said. Since what was said holds no merit. It just really upsets me that something as innocent as not feeling social is to be taken as if I really just don't care about people.
Plurk, was a social as I was going to get. I've been going through a lot of shit, especially after Ann left me with all these responsibilities, and no way to work them out with out help. Of which, she's not given, despite she promised she would. I don't want to be like I was before, always there for everyone, never there for myself. I've been secluding away, trying to WORK on myself, for months now. I found plurk and decided I would use that as a way to try and get out, and be social again.
Starting over, not knowing anyone but a few of you that I knew before, from a couple years back. Those that didn't -use- me from before, are those I brought with, for this transition. I have been trying to rebuild myself, and now, its as if every brick I put up, in cement, has been crushed into and knocked over by a damn iron ball. And all because my inability to be as social as some might want me to be.
Josh would message, I would talk. If I wasn't messaging him, there was a reason. The reason was, I'm just not feeling the -need- to be social like that. Not because I didn't love him, and are about him. I would randomly message when I felt that I could HANDLE being in a conversation that was more than just words written, but had actual emotions behind it. I tried explaining that to him many times, but he I guess, just never got it. Doesn't get it, still.
I'm a horrible friend, because I needed to take time to work on myself. To heal the MANY wounds left on my soul by others that I had trusted. Plurk, was my social network where I could just go out and have discussions, whether deep or just plain random, but not worry about too many emotions getting involved. The ONLY times emotions did get involved, was when it had to do with those I was emotionally involved with already. Such as Josh, Kash or myself.
Unfortunately, feelings were hurt during those discussions. Everyone knows when one is angry, they say things they don't necessarily mean. And everyone that knows me, knows I don't like to talk to those I'm angry at, because I say and word myself in hurtful ways. Hence, I go to a different source, to release that anger, so that I can then, once calm from the venting, go to the source of the anger and confront it. I've done it before, what was so different in doing it then?
Oh, what was different was that I went to Molly for the first time when I was really angry. I was naive I guess to think that she would know intuitively not to go to Josh, whom I was venting about, and tell him literally word for word what I was saying. Copy and pasting my words for him to read. Literally taking away any hope, and chance of keeping our friendship, just that. A friendship. Now, it's broken, because of what I said in anger.
If that was what I wanted to happen, I would have gone to him myself and said all of that. I guess I was wrong in respecting our friendship then, since no one else knows how to respect friendships. Now he wishes I had never been honest with him about anything, and that fucking hurts. Makes me even more determined to not be honest with anyone, about anything.
I don't expect ANYONE to understand the bond I have with Kash. I don't expect anyone to care either. It's not something one understands unless they've experienced it first hand anyway, usually, normally. I don't appreciate being made to feel guilty because I do love Kash. I also don't appreciate others forming opinions on Kash, based on the fact that JUST LIKE ME, HE'S NOT WANTING TO BE SOCIAL! For the same reasons, yet slightly differnet.
We've both been extremely hurt in the past, God forbid, Kash might not be ready to just open up to anyone that might want to talk to him. Just like I'm not going and opening up to anyone who might want me to talk to them. JUST BECAUSE KASH IS MY BOYFRIEND, MY HUSBAND, MY BEST FRIEND, DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS TO BE YOURS. Nor does it mean he even has to automatically be comfortable being so friendly with you, from the get go. Take offense if you like, in the fact that he isn't going out of his way to try and befriend you.
He's doing what he has to do, to HEAL himself, and his wounds. He is going the pace HE needs to. God forbid he think of himself for once. Are you that selfish to take what he is doing, and think it's automatically because Kash is a snob, and wants nothing to do with the likes of you? Please. Get over yourselves already. I've even told you this before, to NOT take offense by it, that he's just going through shit. Just like I don't expect Kash's friends to be my best friends, I don't expect my best friends to be his.
His friends haven't even tried pushing themselves on me like you have him. They speak to me on ocassion, see how I'm doing. But they do NOT expect me to be able to juts open up to them and pour my fucking heart out. How dare you think that Kash should do thus for/with you. Kash is not me, he might not be okay with talking to you as I am okay with it. Why? Because he doesn't know you. It took us YEARS to get where we are. You've known Kash for what, a couple months? Yet you expect the same from him as you do me?
Where is the logic in that?
I could keep going, on and on, but I can't. I'm about to pass out again, from the meds I just took. Yeah, it's that bad, I'm drugging myself up to make me sleep because I just can't fucking deal with this shit. I have never been in this position in my life! Thanks a lot 'friends'. I have to sleep though, because other wise, I'd do something even more stupid. I wont even go into what I keep daydreaming about, which is another reason I need to be unconscious right now. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of fighting over this.
I'm just fucking tired.
-Khai
I had always felt he was one person I could be honest with, and once I had revealed a certain secret about myself to him, there was nothing left to hide with him. I can't help that he takes my lack of socialability as a sign of me just not caring about him, not needing him. Just using him when I'm upset or in need. If that was the case, I would have gone to him with every fight, every struggle I endeared and nothing else. However, he only knew half the times I was fighting with Kash, or anyone else.
Not to mention, I wouldn't have sat there and talked with him about his own issues, his own struggles. I wouldn't have been cheering him on with everything he was hoping for to be good in his life. I wanted, and still want and wish him the best in his life. I don't hate the fact that the needs 'real' friends, because apparently I'm not real, since it's just 'online'. Despite I'm moving closer, and wanted it to be more than just online.
That just goes to prove that I really didn't want our friendship to be anything more than what it was. If you couldn't tell, that was written with sarcasm behind it. I have never felt so low about myself, and felt like seriously fading away into dust at this very spot, before. It really has nothing to do with what was said, it was the mere fact that it was said. Since what was said holds no merit. It just really upsets me that something as innocent as not feeling social is to be taken as if I really just don't care about people.
Plurk, was a social as I was going to get. I've been going through a lot of shit, especially after Ann left me with all these responsibilities, and no way to work them out with out help. Of which, she's not given, despite she promised she would. I don't want to be like I was before, always there for everyone, never there for myself. I've been secluding away, trying to WORK on myself, for months now. I found plurk and decided I would use that as a way to try and get out, and be social again.
Starting over, not knowing anyone but a few of you that I knew before, from a couple years back. Those that didn't -use- me from before, are those I brought with, for this transition. I have been trying to rebuild myself, and now, its as if every brick I put up, in cement, has been crushed into and knocked over by a damn iron ball. And all because my inability to be as social as some might want me to be.
Josh would message, I would talk. If I wasn't messaging him, there was a reason. The reason was, I'm just not feeling the -need- to be social like that. Not because I didn't love him, and are about him. I would randomly message when I felt that I could HANDLE being in a conversation that was more than just words written, but had actual emotions behind it. I tried explaining that to him many times, but he I guess, just never got it. Doesn't get it, still.
I'm a horrible friend, because I needed to take time to work on myself. To heal the MANY wounds left on my soul by others that I had trusted. Plurk, was my social network where I could just go out and have discussions, whether deep or just plain random, but not worry about too many emotions getting involved. The ONLY times emotions did get involved, was when it had to do with those I was emotionally involved with already. Such as Josh, Kash or myself.
Unfortunately, feelings were hurt during those discussions. Everyone knows when one is angry, they say things they don't necessarily mean. And everyone that knows me, knows I don't like to talk to those I'm angry at, because I say and word myself in hurtful ways. Hence, I go to a different source, to release that anger, so that I can then, once calm from the venting, go to the source of the anger and confront it. I've done it before, what was so different in doing it then?
Oh, what was different was that I went to Molly for the first time when I was really angry. I was naive I guess to think that she would know intuitively not to go to Josh, whom I was venting about, and tell him literally word for word what I was saying. Copy and pasting my words for him to read. Literally taking away any hope, and chance of keeping our friendship, just that. A friendship. Now, it's broken, because of what I said in anger.
If that was what I wanted to happen, I would have gone to him myself and said all of that. I guess I was wrong in respecting our friendship then, since no one else knows how to respect friendships. Now he wishes I had never been honest with him about anything, and that fucking hurts. Makes me even more determined to not be honest with anyone, about anything.
I don't expect ANYONE to understand the bond I have with Kash. I don't expect anyone to care either. It's not something one understands unless they've experienced it first hand anyway, usually, normally. I don't appreciate being made to feel guilty because I do love Kash. I also don't appreciate others forming opinions on Kash, based on the fact that JUST LIKE ME, HE'S NOT WANTING TO BE SOCIAL! For the same reasons, yet slightly differnet.
We've both been extremely hurt in the past, God forbid, Kash might not be ready to just open up to anyone that might want to talk to him. Just like I'm not going and opening up to anyone who might want me to talk to them. JUST BECAUSE KASH IS MY BOYFRIEND, MY HUSBAND, MY BEST FRIEND, DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS TO BE YOURS. Nor does it mean he even has to automatically be comfortable being so friendly with you, from the get go. Take offense if you like, in the fact that he isn't going out of his way to try and befriend you.
He's doing what he has to do, to HEAL himself, and his wounds. He is going the pace HE needs to. God forbid he think of himself for once. Are you that selfish to take what he is doing, and think it's automatically because Kash is a snob, and wants nothing to do with the likes of you? Please. Get over yourselves already. I've even told you this before, to NOT take offense by it, that he's just going through shit. Just like I don't expect Kash's friends to be my best friends, I don't expect my best friends to be his.
His friends haven't even tried pushing themselves on me like you have him. They speak to me on ocassion, see how I'm doing. But they do NOT expect me to be able to juts open up to them and pour my fucking heart out. How dare you think that Kash should do thus for/with you. Kash is not me, he might not be okay with talking to you as I am okay with it. Why? Because he doesn't know you. It took us YEARS to get where we are. You've known Kash for what, a couple months? Yet you expect the same from him as you do me?
Where is the logic in that?
I could keep going, on and on, but I can't. I'm about to pass out again, from the meds I just took. Yeah, it's that bad, I'm drugging myself up to make me sleep because I just can't fucking deal with this shit. I have never been in this position in my life! Thanks a lot 'friends'. I have to sleep though, because other wise, I'd do something even more stupid. I wont even go into what I keep daydreaming about, which is another reason I need to be unconscious right now. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of fighting over this.
I'm just fucking tired.
-Khai
How about, no.
" i guess im the fool in thinking that everyone is like me. that everyone knows how to keep their mouths shut, and mind their own business. that when one person says one thing to me, it stays WITH me. unless they specifically say 'hey, tell so and so yada yada' i guess that's my flaw. I'm the stupid one for believing that there was such a thing as trust, and true friendships. i haven't given up on love, because i know Kash and i share a love that i don't ever want to lose, however, i'm probably just being stupid there.. because like everything else, it probably doesn't exist."
I'm going to start this entry with that quote, from an instant message I made. It pretty much speaks for itself. Kash and I got angry with Josh for what he and a couple of other ass holes were saying in a plurk. He plurked the link to it, feel free and read, hell I'll even link it myself.
Plurk
Feel free to read it, form your own opinion. But early on, Kash and I soon felt that these three were basically stating that it's not alright for a woman to have 'her' time just because they 'don't like pussy'. That isn't fair. I could care less whether they like pussy or not, they are gay, it's their fucking prerogative. However, for them to act as if it's the nastiest thing in the world, that a woman have herself some pleasure, and act as if they don't deserve it.. that was not okay. With Kash, nor myself.
My own reasons on why I was hurt by Josh, I don't even want to get into, because it doesn't need to be said, it doesn't need to be blogged. Because it just doesn't matter. Basically, I was hurt. Then, for him to say what he did in his own blog. Wow, okay, that doesn't even make sense. Yeah, I have a few secrets that few know, but it's none of their damn business. It's not like it matters. It's MY secret, it doesn't involve anyone else. So it doesn't need to be known, by anyone else.
I reached out to Molly, because I needed to talk to someone. Little did I know, she was telling JOSH everything I was saying. Then, proceeded to tell me I was wrong in getting upset that she had. As if I was crazy in thinking that what I say in private to someone, God forbid it stay that way. Private. Then she goes to tell me that 'well what does it really matter that I told him, you said you weren't going to talk to him anymore.' Since when is that a defense on why it is OKAY to tell someone what someone else said?
Just makes me see what kind of people really are in the world. I guess I'm the only one that knows how to keep a secret anymore. God forbid I do keep my mouth shut unless other wise said to open it. I'm pretty much done with everyone. I don't believe in friendships anymore. I only believe in myself. I only believe in Love and Light, and what that there in entails. For those that might possible read this, despite I really don't care if anyone does anymore, by believing in myself, I am believing in Kash, as he is my soul mate. Half of myself.
Whatever. Love and Light.
Nothing else.
-Khai
I'm going to start this entry with that quote, from an instant message I made. It pretty much speaks for itself. Kash and I got angry with Josh for what he and a couple of other ass holes were saying in a plurk. He plurked the link to it, feel free and read, hell I'll even link it myself.
Plurk
Feel free to read it, form your own opinion. But early on, Kash and I soon felt that these three were basically stating that it's not alright for a woman to have 'her' time just because they 'don't like pussy'. That isn't fair. I could care less whether they like pussy or not, they are gay, it's their fucking prerogative. However, for them to act as if it's the nastiest thing in the world, that a woman have herself some pleasure, and act as if they don't deserve it.. that was not okay. With Kash, nor myself.
My own reasons on why I was hurt by Josh, I don't even want to get into, because it doesn't need to be said, it doesn't need to be blogged. Because it just doesn't matter. Basically, I was hurt. Then, for him to say what he did in his own blog. Wow, okay, that doesn't even make sense. Yeah, I have a few secrets that few know, but it's none of their damn business. It's not like it matters. It's MY secret, it doesn't involve anyone else. So it doesn't need to be known, by anyone else.
I reached out to Molly, because I needed to talk to someone. Little did I know, she was telling JOSH everything I was saying. Then, proceeded to tell me I was wrong in getting upset that she had. As if I was crazy in thinking that what I say in private to someone, God forbid it stay that way. Private. Then she goes to tell me that 'well what does it really matter that I told him, you said you weren't going to talk to him anymore.' Since when is that a defense on why it is OKAY to tell someone what someone else said?
Just makes me see what kind of people really are in the world. I guess I'm the only one that knows how to keep a secret anymore. God forbid I do keep my mouth shut unless other wise said to open it. I'm pretty much done with everyone. I don't believe in friendships anymore. I only believe in myself. I only believe in Love and Light, and what that there in entails. For those that might possible read this, despite I really don't care if anyone does anymore, by believing in myself, I am believing in Kash, as he is my soul mate. Half of myself.
Whatever. Love and Light.
Nothing else.
-Khai
Thursday, January 8, 2009
I just dont...
know. It's.. grr. *kicks something* Fucking calls out of the blue randomly, and says shit to keep me from going off... then doesn't do shit to follow through, letting days, weeks pass before calling again and the process starts over. I'm fucking tired of it.
I don't want to lose my babies. *Sigh*
-Khai
I don't want to lose my babies. *Sigh*
-Khai
So, I'm annoyed >.<
I wont be naming names, but if they were to read this I'm sure they'd know it was them I was talking about, as well as a lot of other readers that know any and all of us. But whatever, I want to rant a bit on how I'm annoyed with what they did. Just up and deleted Kash and I from their plurk friends, as if -we- did something wrong. As if -we- were the ones going behind everyones back and doing what they were.
Um, no, if anything, Kash and I did the right thing and confronted someone close to us and finally said "dude, this is what's up. You need to do something about it, or ignore it, or whatever. Our hands are clean now that we've brought it to your attention." We supprorted EVERYONE involved, and minded our own business as best as possible. Only when we saw our good friend really getting in the position of getting hurt by it all, did we speak up.
So, I can understand, yea we didn't confront either of the two, by telling one what his other was doing, or going to the other and saying hey, that's not right. BUT, neither did the rest of you that are on their friends list. All of which saw just as much goings on as we did, if not MORE. Because I know for a fact, two of yous are closer to one of them, and yet you did and said nothing to them. So why is it that Kash and I were deleted? We did nothing but try and support ALL involved, staying as impartial as possible.
I am a bit disappointed in your immaturaty. Not even bothering to give any explanation what's so ever to us as to what the fuck -we- did to deserve this. I'm not asking to be 'friends' again because I don't go back. You cross me once, we're done. And I consider this to be damn near close crossing me. However, I still want an explanation and I feel that Kash and I deserve just that. If I'm wrong, I admit it. I'm a man. So, if you think I'm wrong for feeling this, please, let me know.
I'm open to everything. But just like my plurk profile says 'I can be your best friend, or your worst enemy' there really is no in between with me. Despite I have different levels of friendship, I back all my friends equally. I side where it's needed. I go where it's right, even if that means I go against my own husband, or family. That's just how I am. Anyways, I'm just rambling now. Yeah. Annoyance'll do that to you.
-Khai
Um, no, if anything, Kash and I did the right thing and confronted someone close to us and finally said "dude, this is what's up. You need to do something about it, or ignore it, or whatever. Our hands are clean now that we've brought it to your attention." We supprorted EVERYONE involved, and minded our own business as best as possible. Only when we saw our good friend really getting in the position of getting hurt by it all, did we speak up.
So, I can understand, yea we didn't confront either of the two, by telling one what his other was doing, or going to the other and saying hey, that's not right. BUT, neither did the rest of you that are on their friends list. All of which saw just as much goings on as we did, if not MORE. Because I know for a fact, two of yous are closer to one of them, and yet you did and said nothing to them. So why is it that Kash and I were deleted? We did nothing but try and support ALL involved, staying as impartial as possible.
I am a bit disappointed in your immaturaty. Not even bothering to give any explanation what's so ever to us as to what the fuck -we- did to deserve this. I'm not asking to be 'friends' again because I don't go back. You cross me once, we're done. And I consider this to be damn near close crossing me. However, I still want an explanation and I feel that Kash and I deserve just that. If I'm wrong, I admit it. I'm a man. So, if you think I'm wrong for feeling this, please, let me know.
I'm open to everything. But just like my plurk profile says 'I can be your best friend, or your worst enemy' there really is no in between with me. Despite I have different levels of friendship, I back all my friends equally. I side where it's needed. I go where it's right, even if that means I go against my own husband, or family. That's just how I am. Anyways, I'm just rambling now. Yeah. Annoyance'll do that to you.
-Khai
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Another survey (Thx Atropos, lol)
- When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
*Doesn't think he looked at himself in the mirror today...* - How much cash do you have on you?
Under 20 dollars. - What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Floor. - Favorite planet?
Saturn - Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
*Doesn't have a cell phone.* - What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Again, don't have a cell, but when I did, it was Eclipsed by Evans Blue - What shirt are you wearing?
A solid brown collared shirt, with a small design sewn above the pocket. - Do you label yourself?
No? - Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?
I'm not wearing any, but I wear Skechers. - Bright or Dark Room?
In what context? Right now, my room is lit up by the light, other wise it's dark, since it's night time... >.> - What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
He's a nice guy, smart, funny, odd sense of humor, but that's kinda one of the reasons I like him. - What does your watch look like?
I have two, both are Movado. - What were you doing at midnight last night?
Probably playing My Tribe, plurking and talking with Kash on the phone. - What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
.....fuck if I remember. - Where is your nearest 7-11?
No clue. - What’s a word that you say a lot?
Hm. - Who told you he/she loved you last?
Kash. - Last furry thing you touched?
Starlite. - How many drugs have you done in the last three days?
Legal? Hmm... 4 dif types maybe. Illegal? Zilch. - How many rolls of film do you need developed?
Um, I use a digital camera, if I take pictures at all. - Favorite age you have been so far?
Psh. - Your worst enemy?
Fear. - What is your current desktop picture?
Love and Light. - What was the last thing you said to someone?
"What was the last thing I said to you?" - AHAHAHA, wow. - If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?
Money. You can do more with money than with flying. - Do you like someone?
Of course.. - The last song you listened to?
Strong Enough to Break - Hanson - What time of day were you born?
9:15pm EST - What’s your favorite number?
3 - Where did you live in 1987?
Mesa, Az. - Are you jealous of anyone?
No, not anyone in particular. - Is anyone jealous of you?
I don't know, possibly? - Where were you when 9/11 happened?
At home asleep.. - What do you do when vending machines steal your money?
I never use vending machines. - Do you consider yourself kind?
Yes. - If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?
Oooh, that's a toughy. - If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?
German. - Would you move for the person you loved?
Of course, I am. - Are you touchy feely?
Sometimes - What’s your life motto?
Lost in a Daydream .:. Dreaming My Life Away - Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Hair, skin.. um.. clear head? Hmm.. literally. - What’s your favorite town/city?
Hmm.. what ever it is, it's in Ireland. - What was the last thing you paid for with cash?
Gas. - When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
A month or so ago. - Can you change the oil on a car?
Yeah. - Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
Damn.. Ashleigh, and nothing in particular. She got angry at me, because I had moved on. - How far back do you know about your ancestry?
I know that my great great great grandfather was John Ross, Cherokee Chief that led the way through the Trail of Tears, aside from that I know my lineage is Irish, English, German and Cherokee. - The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?
I wore a black button up dress shirt, red tie, deep blue jeans, and did my hair all spiffy. Why? It was my birthday, and we went to the club. I got a lot of looks from others, but I was with Ann, so no dancing with anyone else, lol. I could have though, but it's all good. We went to a gay club. Fun fun. - Does anything hurt on your body right now?
No, yay! - Have you been burned by love?
Hmm, no?
Little update, and a bit of a rant maybe?
Okay, so Ann called earlier as I was sleeping. She said she would call back and I could sleep, but I said no, since the last time that happened she never called back for well, til now. And it's been over a week. I told her that I might regrettably have to send Dona to the pound, because I just DONT have the money to take her to that woman. Also told her we might lose the cats. She swears she sent the money, but I have yet to receive it. Then she proceeded to rant about Holly, and if the package got sent back, then Holly took it, and probably the money in it.
Apparently, according to Ann, Holly has NOT been paying her half of ANY of the bills, causing Ann to have to front it all herself. Hence she's not having the money to be able to send. PLUS, she's still out of town, and not able to get anywhere to be able to send me anything. Blah. She said she'll try and borrow a hundred from Ed to send to me. Now, this is where I'm stuck. I'm going to need her to send more than that. I want to get out of here ASAP. I'm going to need at least a hundred more for the cats alone, plus 150-200 more than that, for food and stuff when I get to GA.
So yeah, she needs to call back so I can talk to her about all that shit. What pissed me off though is her sister came over and I heard the bitch ask Ann 'Has Kai sent your laptop yet?' grr. Ann either said something with her lips, or ignored it, or shrugged the question off, BUT! that right there is fucking proof that Ann is doing MORE lying. She told me to fucking sell this laptop, along with everything else, because I need the money for all this moving, and taking care of the pets she stuck me with. Well, I'd be stupid to sell the laptop because I'll be lucky to get more than 200 for it, despite it's brand new and cost 1350 in the store.
So that's just retarded, I'm keeping the damn thing. She has nothing else really that I can sell for money, minus the books and well.. we all know how well books make out in the resell vallue. >.< And it's all Romance Novels that she left behind which apparently, Romance novels have an even less re-sale value. I'll be lucky to be able to trade them in over at Bookmans for store credit and get me a new DS. Or rather, a new -used- DS. Everything else is mostly just junk that well.. isn't worth anything. That I will be sending to her. But back to why that pissed me off that her sister said that. It just proves that Ann is telling them one thing, and telling Kash and I another.
Telling them I'm sending her laptop and everything else to her, while telling Kash and I to sell it for money because she can't send any right now. Said that none of that stuff matters, if we don't have food, or the cats are adopted out. I fucking hate liars, and it's sad for me to say this, but I'm starting to hate Ann, my own wife. That is definitely not good. I told Kash though, I'm seriously taking a sbaticle from her. Meaning, I'll talk to her, whatever, but there is nothing there in that way at all right now. And when I can talk to her, and REALLY talk to her, she will know this. She has a LOT of making up to do, to not just me, but Kash too. She's fucked up.
And if she doesn't quit her lying, she's going to lose us for good. If that's what she wants, fine, but fucking A, I'm tired of the lies. She needs to just come out with it already and move on. However, she cries to me everytime she talks to me about how much she wants to come home, and just be with Kash and I. I'm sorry hunny, but it's just not going to work like that. There is no home for her to come to any time soon. Not after all this bullshit, all these lies, the heartache, the tears she's caused. No. She needs to get her ass to the store and get credit for the damn phone, and call so we can talk, because this is seriously gone on long enough.
Kris and Sayrde I believe left town today. Left for Colorado. I doubt I'll see her again. Which sucks, because she's like my sister. Avrik my nephew. I just feel lucky I was there when he came home from the hospital. Got to spend the first few weeks of his life with him. I just want to get to Ga. I need to get to Ga. Problem is, I have no means of how. I really just need to talk to Ann about all of this so I can go. I want to go home. I am not happy here, and I'm just wasting away. Blah, okay, I can't focus anymore and I feel really nauseas.
-Khai
Apparently, according to Ann, Holly has NOT been paying her half of ANY of the bills, causing Ann to have to front it all herself. Hence she's not having the money to be able to send. PLUS, she's still out of town, and not able to get anywhere to be able to send me anything. Blah. She said she'll try and borrow a hundred from Ed to send to me. Now, this is where I'm stuck. I'm going to need her to send more than that. I want to get out of here ASAP. I'm going to need at least a hundred more for the cats alone, plus 150-200 more than that, for food and stuff when I get to GA.
So yeah, she needs to call back so I can talk to her about all that shit. What pissed me off though is her sister came over and I heard the bitch ask Ann 'Has Kai sent your laptop yet?' grr. Ann either said something with her lips, or ignored it, or shrugged the question off, BUT! that right there is fucking proof that Ann is doing MORE lying. She told me to fucking sell this laptop, along with everything else, because I need the money for all this moving, and taking care of the pets she stuck me with. Well, I'd be stupid to sell the laptop because I'll be lucky to get more than 200 for it, despite it's brand new and cost 1350 in the store.
So that's just retarded, I'm keeping the damn thing. She has nothing else really that I can sell for money, minus the books and well.. we all know how well books make out in the resell vallue. >.< And it's all Romance Novels that she left behind which apparently, Romance novels have an even less re-sale value. I'll be lucky to be able to trade them in over at Bookmans for store credit and get me a new DS. Or rather, a new -used- DS. Everything else is mostly just junk that well.. isn't worth anything. That I will be sending to her. But back to why that pissed me off that her sister said that. It just proves that Ann is telling them one thing, and telling Kash and I another.
Telling them I'm sending her laptop and everything else to her, while telling Kash and I to sell it for money because she can't send any right now. Said that none of that stuff matters, if we don't have food, or the cats are adopted out. I fucking hate liars, and it's sad for me to say this, but I'm starting to hate Ann, my own wife. That is definitely not good. I told Kash though, I'm seriously taking a sbaticle from her. Meaning, I'll talk to her, whatever, but there is nothing there in that way at all right now. And when I can talk to her, and REALLY talk to her, she will know this. She has a LOT of making up to do, to not just me, but Kash too. She's fucked up.
And if she doesn't quit her lying, she's going to lose us for good. If that's what she wants, fine, but fucking A, I'm tired of the lies. She needs to just come out with it already and move on. However, she cries to me everytime she talks to me about how much she wants to come home, and just be with Kash and I. I'm sorry hunny, but it's just not going to work like that. There is no home for her to come to any time soon. Not after all this bullshit, all these lies, the heartache, the tears she's caused. No. She needs to get her ass to the store and get credit for the damn phone, and call so we can talk, because this is seriously gone on long enough.
Kris and Sayrde I believe left town today. Left for Colorado. I doubt I'll see her again. Which sucks, because she's like my sister. Avrik my nephew. I just feel lucky I was there when he came home from the hospital. Got to spend the first few weeks of his life with him. I just want to get to Ga. I need to get to Ga. Problem is, I have no means of how. I really just need to talk to Ann about all of this so I can go. I want to go home. I am not happy here, and I'm just wasting away. Blah, okay, I can't focus anymore and I feel really nauseas.
-Khai
What to do..what to do..
So many different things to think about. Should I stay, or should I go. If it was just about figuring if I should go be with Kash, vs not being with Kash, the answer would be simple, and easily found. However, there are more things involved. More risks to be taken. I'm hearing so many opinions on why I shouldn't go, and why I should. On my family's side, I'm hearing stay. You don't know his family, yada yada. They don't want me to wind up like I had all the many times before then be stranded with out a place to stay.
On Kash's side, I'm hearing come (go) and that would be the best. While I can see both sides, I'm still unsure. And not being able to talk to Ann is just making this worse. I still have yet to receive any of what she supposedly sent for the pets. I'm worried I'm gonna have to take Dona to the pound, because I can't afford to take her to the lady to have her adopted out. I'll be lucky if I can give her money to foster the cats. I'll never forgive Ann if I lose my babies. My best friends. *Sigh* I need more opinions. And from those that aren't part of the situation, directly.
I want to talk to Molly but it seems I just can't get myself to really open up. I'm just so blah. Kris wants me with Kash, however, she isn't sure if I should just go like that. Much like the rest of my family, she would hate to see something go horribly wrong and my ass be stuck on the streets in a state where I know no one but Kash and his family. Aside from my ex fiance, and let's not go there. Ok? Okay.. yeah. I talked to Josh not too long ago, however a lot of things have changed since we talked.
A lot of options once opened, have been shut before I could even pass through the door. New options have arived and so far they've stuck in place. From what I can tell, going to GA would be best for all now, and for Kash and my futures. Despite when I get there things will be slow, but that's to be expected. But so many things that are great, IF they stick. I guess I just need some moral support. Someone who would support the decisions I, we, Kash and I, make. I know my family doesn't. Because of that, it's just hard on me I guess.
But when have they really supported me, completely? Not yet. Maybe in time.. after certain things happen.. maybe they'll finally see. Who knows. I hope though. I can hope, right? Dream? What's living with out dreams? I'm tired of living with my dreams, it's time I start living my dreams. Damn it. Yeah, okay. I'm fucking really tired. I need to sleep. Wow. Peace out world.
-Khai
On Kash's side, I'm hearing come (go) and that would be the best. While I can see both sides, I'm still unsure. And not being able to talk to Ann is just making this worse. I still have yet to receive any of what she supposedly sent for the pets. I'm worried I'm gonna have to take Dona to the pound, because I can't afford to take her to the lady to have her adopted out. I'll be lucky if I can give her money to foster the cats. I'll never forgive Ann if I lose my babies. My best friends. *Sigh* I need more opinions. And from those that aren't part of the situation, directly.
I want to talk to Molly but it seems I just can't get myself to really open up. I'm just so blah. Kris wants me with Kash, however, she isn't sure if I should just go like that. Much like the rest of my family, she would hate to see something go horribly wrong and my ass be stuck on the streets in a state where I know no one but Kash and his family. Aside from my ex fiance, and let's not go there. Ok? Okay.. yeah. I talked to Josh not too long ago, however a lot of things have changed since we talked.
A lot of options once opened, have been shut before I could even pass through the door. New options have arived and so far they've stuck in place. From what I can tell, going to GA would be best for all now, and for Kash and my futures. Despite when I get there things will be slow, but that's to be expected. But so many things that are great, IF they stick. I guess I just need some moral support. Someone who would support the decisions I, we, Kash and I, make. I know my family doesn't. Because of that, it's just hard on me I guess.
But when have they really supported me, completely? Not yet. Maybe in time.. after certain things happen.. maybe they'll finally see. Who knows. I hope though. I can hope, right? Dream? What's living with out dreams? I'm tired of living with my dreams, it's time I start living my dreams. Damn it. Yeah, okay. I'm fucking really tired. I need to sleep. Wow. Peace out world.
-Khai
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