Maybe I'm wrong?

Who knows, but I'm sorry, that just really pissed me off. I can't really help it either. Ignoring that it pissed me off would just make things worse, so yeah. I'm not ignoring it. Instead, I'm trying to embrace it, and understand it, and then hopefully move on from it.

I don't find jealousy to be a turn on. I don't find what that implied to be funny, or attractive. Definitely not befitting of you. Again, maybe I'm wrong but I can't help how it made me feel. How it made me see you in a new light, a light I'd much rather put out.

I love you of course, that hasn't changed. I'm just not too happy with what you did, playing or not, it came off very different to me. And from what I can tell, it came off different to everyone else as well, since no one has dared say a word on it, or after it. Just letting it go.

I'm letting it go.

-Khai

Too many friggin thoughts...

not enough brain power to sort through them.

So, Ann called and said she's being sued.. O.O Great, even more of a reason for her to NOT own up to her half of the deal. Her part of the bargain. I just don't know anymore. It's like, what will go wrong, DOES fucking go wrong with her. It has been one thing after another. Quite disgusting really, and annoying, and it's really got me pissed. I can't even talk to her anymore, because I'm just so far fucking gone. However that means.

I don't even think I can explain it. I've tried, it doesn't work. Nothing works lately. All I know is that I want to get my ass to Georgia so I can start living my life, and doing what I need to do to make it. I can't do it here, on the prospect of leaving in a month, 3 weeks, 2 weeks, who knows. I absolutely hate that Ann, has left me here with all these responsibilities, none of which I asked for. None of which I agreed to take on.

All of which, were hers to begin with. She fucking leaves, and I'm stuck with them. She was supposed to be doing her part from there, by sending me the cash to take care of things here. But has she? Fuck no. Once she's sent money. And that wasn't even enough! I have all her fucking shit here, that I have to find something to do with, I don't know what either. Especially with out her sending me money.

It's not like I can pay someone to store it. Unfortunately, I'll probably have to throw most of it away. Sucks if I throw something important, but damn it, I'm not even supposed to be here right now. I'm supposed to have been in MI with her looong time ago. Of course, she never followed through with that either, and left me stranded here to some how pay for an apt all my own on what little pay I got from working, since the economy sucks and I was lucky to get 10 hours a week.

That apt of course was lost, had to move. Along with some how finding a place that would take myself, along with her and my animals. That lasted all of 4/5 weeks, and it had to end because Ann still wasn't pulling her half of the bargain, and sending money to cover HER HALF of everything. It wasn't even much. All she needed to send was 150 a month.. and it would have been okay. But nope. She kept giving excuse after excuse.

And I'm sorry, if they are 'legit' to her, but um, no. They is just bullshit excuses. It's not my fault she can't stand up to mommy and daddy dearest, who are fucking psycho's if I ever did see some. Crazy ass people, most of her family is clinically deemed psycho in some way shape or form. Problem is, they refuse to take their medicine, and or just plain get treated. I blame it all on her, and with good reason.

We came to AZ with the notion that she would start working immediately through the same company in which she worked for in CA. They were transferring her, and better yet, they were giving her two dollars more an hour here in AZ! But noo, she kept making excuses once we were here as to why she couldn't work that day. And then the next day.. with the economy like it is, especially in AZ, jobs are hard to find..

I was searching, but it took me literally three months to find a job. Took the first one that came along, unfortunately, I wasn't getting more than 10 hours a week, because they just really didn't need the help. The guy actually gave me those hours as a favor, because he knew I needed SOMETHING since Ann still wasn't working. By then, I think her job with the security company had been thrown to hell.

I'm sure they gave up on her. She just never went back after she went for a re-orientation to show her the little differences in how things were ran here, vs in California. So, yeah.. she did nothing but sit and lay on her lazy fucking ass while I was out searching for another job, or a second job. She barely took care of any of the pets, all of which but one, was hers. I had to cook for them, I had to clean up after them. I had to bathe them..

She did fucking nothing, yet they were all hers. No one even asked me if I wanted them. Nope. Came home to find a different animal with in 'our' care like wtf. Then when she took off to go to MI to work for her moms company.. she left with the agreement she'd be sending money back to help pay her half of things until she could bring us up there. Which was planned to be with in two months.

PSH. Riight, think that happened? We were starving, the pets and I. My grandma had to go grocery shopping on occassion for us, she refused to get pet food though. So I wound up giving the pets my food, and starving myself. Needless to say, I lost about 30 lbs in two months. 30 lbs at that time that I couldn't afford to lose as it was. Luckily, I had power, no gas, and water was free in those apts.. so I could nuke my food..

Couldn't cook though once the gas was shut off. :/ Which really sucked. Kash was there.. as much as he could be, through it all. He would listen to me freaking out over what to do. Not knowing what to do.. what was going on. Not knowing whether or not if I left to go get some cat/dog food from the store, I'd be coming back to literally nothing. Since by then, I hadn't paid rent in two months.. Kinda hard to pay 650 in rent, when I'm making 90 a month, and that all is going to power and pet food.

*Sighs* Whatever, enough of that bullshit. I'm here now, at my gmas.. the cats are in foster, of which I'm paying for. Or rather, Kash paid for this last time. But I still have to pay again in two weeks, and Ann supposedly sent money, but ahahahaa like the last 10 times she 'sent it' it just magically disappears in the mail system. WTF ever, because she uses FEDEX! She is such a fucking liar, it's not even funny.

I hate to say it, but I really think I hate her. I know for a fact I hate the shit she's doing, done, and will do for the following months to come. I don't know if I want to continue to be in this relationship with her. This marriage. How can we continue this marriage, when all these ill feelings and thoughts are about and in the air? Can one live happily in a marriage like that? I don't think so, but who knows, maybe I'm wrong.

-Khai

Merry Christmas?

I know it's not going to be one for me, I know this. It's already started out shitty. Everything was fun and good while I slept, then I got up, talked to Kash, went and showered, got dressed.. Came out and set my things up for the day. I was happy. Took a couple pics for Kash, as a present. I know, lame, but it's pretty much all we got right now. :/ Then, my brother walked in.

Grr. I am not happy that he came, but I can't make it so that he can't. It's not my house. So that really just ruined my mood and everything. He just left so that's better at least. I don't even want to get into why I really don't like him. I don't play favorites, and I wont ignore things just because it happens to be a family member that is that way/being that way. I.E. my brother.

I'm not that type of person that hates things about others, but ignores when it's their own family that does those things, acts those ways. Anyway, he's gone which is better and I can -relax- some. However, now Georgia is here, which I don't like her period. She's just another one of my mom's tweaker friends, and I hate all of them. Not them personally...but yeah.

She needs to go. And like now. Anyways, hopefully I'll have something happier to write about later, but I doubt it.

-Khai

My day with Molls, lol

Well, didn't do much. Just went with her to run errands and keep hers company. :) Ran to Walgreens, then to Americopy? I think is what it was called. Then to the dollar store, and back to Americopy. She had a calender made of Scarlett for her mother in law. Fun fun. Scarlett is definitely a character, takes after her mother. ;-) I'm home now, and I think I'm running a fever. My ears hurt, and my head hurts, and of course my tooth is hurting. Yay me. I should get to the emergency soon after the holidays to get it fixed.

I need to stop drinking coffee for more than one reason. One it makes me sick, two, it's making me gain weight. I'm also cutting back on my food intake, despite I barely eat as is, so go figure. I'm just not active enough anymore to even eat the 600 calories I do eat. Sad, I know. I'm gonna start exercising more. My mom said I could take her bike and ride it. I wish I had my roller blades. I love roller blading. I used to do that all the time, for miles. We used to blade on the hill streets a couple miles down the way.

Last night as I was dead tired on cold medicine, waiting patiently >.< for my grandmother to retire for the night so I could sleep, I was talking with Dickie on MySpace at first. Boy was that conversation amusing. I read the convo to my grandmother and even she got a kick out of it. It had us laughing for a good time. Then the conversation moved to YIM and we just chatted randomly, as usual. Josh was setting up his blog, which he has up and running now. Woo, yay for Joshy. Lols. I'm excited to see what he does with his domain now though.

Um... I really have nothing else to say. My head is really hurting, I should take some pain killers, but I don't feel like getting up and searching for some. Eh. Whatever.

Peace peeps, hope ya'll are doing good and shit. Rawr.

-Khai

In response to Rain's comment about my girls..

Why can't I get legal help, when it comes to getting my daughters back?

1. They aren't mine biologically. That's the biggest one. I was only there from the time they were both toddlerish ages. I came into their life when the youngest was three, and the eldest just barely four.

2. They are in a country right now where our laws, and people here can't really do much about the goings on there. Think of the movie 'Not Without My Daughter'.

Put both of those two things together, and you get me, and my situation. I can't do a damn thing about it, from either stand point. I would give anything to be able to have them in my life. But I just have to face the fact that there is nothing I can do, and pray that they know I love them with everything I am, and would do anything for them. I would kill protecting them. They saved my life in so many ways, and I owe them much more than they owe me for having taken care of them those four years.

So yeah, it is what it is. And I have to live my life and move on from it. I hope one day they seek me out, but I doubt it. Their mom poisoned their mind when I left. Yet, she was the one cheating. Whatever. Karma's a bitch, and she's paying for it. Last I heard anyway, she was. I just pray I'll have children of my own some day.

-Khai

Avrik Sullivan

Just barely 9 weeks old now, he is such a cutey. These pics were taken when he was just three days old. My first nephew, and hopefully the last nephew or niece for a while. <3 Kris and Sayrde are getting ready to celebrate their first Christmas with him. You wouldn't believe how many outfits they have for him, including a snowman and a penguin. Lols.

-Khai

'I see you in my dreams..' 'That's because I visit you as often as I can.'

I was in my room, and my room was the living room. Not this house. I lived with my gma, and my brother was going to be moving in too. My mom lived there too. But I had turned the living room area into a kick ass pad for my bro and I.. when all these people started coming over. Friends/family? Or something. Both. My gma was making some food, and I remember that catfish was the main ingredient. Wtf. Anyway. I said I wouldn't be eating.

These girls were there, not sisters to each other, but close? They were the daughters of a couple of my mothers friends? I don't know. They were probably 15-17. Here I am 24. It was weird, my mom wanted me to entertain them. Um, no? I wanted to just go back to my room and listen to my music, and talk to Kash. Because yes, Kash was a reality in my dream. Sometimes he isn't, depending on the actual dream.

My mom had also said that my uncle Mike and aunt Lyleanne were coming over for dinner. I am guessing it was in honor of the new place? I don't know. My brother hadn't moved in yet, but I had made his place for his bed. The room was dark, and always would be with out really opening the blinds and or putting lights on. Which is just the way I like it. There was a food and water dish, for my cats, along with a litter box in the room.

Clothes rack..etc. I didn't even notice that it was the living room until I remembered my mom had said that she hoped Mike and Lyleanne didn't go to the front door, and went to the side doorn instead. Because all the sudden I see Mike and Lyleanne's shadows through the window/front door. I go over to it and try to open it. Before I opened it, I was noticing the numbers on the door. So many numbers, but only some were big.

4138 I think was the number. But I was reading it backwards. I remember a 5, but it was small, one of the smaller numbers just around the larger ones. A wooden door, a screen door in front of that. I opened the big door and told my aunt, that this was my room, lol and that she could come in through the side. And she said nah, she'd want to see my room anyway. Mike had gone to the side. As she stepped through, she said that my ex-wife had been hanging around outside.

I was like, you're kidding..right.. But I just laughed it off. However, I looked outside and saw a truck, and I immediately saw Merci in the back seat. My heart literally lept out my chest and I ran outside. But they had started to drive off. I didn't care, I ran after them, trying my hardest to find them. Finally, I saw them in this parking lot down the way. I had no idea where I was, but it didn't matter. I saw both Merci and Grace getting out of the car.

Then, I saw -her- and I also saw Fareed. >.> Now, that wasn't something I expected. Yet, at the same time I guess I wasn't surprised. I'll just call my ex Azra, for this entry. It's close enough. I asked what was going on, why she was there..etc. And she started to explain to me about how Natasha's grandmother had kidnapped her, and they were going to be taking her up into the mountains, so that Azra couldn't see her any longer, or be able to be near her.

Natasha being Azra's eldest daughter.. not really relevant. I just kept thinking, well Karma's a bitch. She took my girls from me, her eldest gets taken from her. All the while, we were walking back to my house. I didn't even know where my house was. Azra handed me a paper. Some sort of contract? Deal? I never could figure it out. She wanted me to keep the girls for sometime? While she could sort out the mess with Natasha?

And I said okay, no problem. I was moving to GA, and the girls would be closer to them, since they are in FL. But then when she found out I was moving in with Kash..yeah. She started to recant.. and I started crying, because I really wanted my girls. Needed them. I said how I dream of them just about every night, and that's when Merci said 'I see you in my dreams daddy,' followed by 'I see you in my dreams too daddy,' by Grace.

I just looked at them and told them 'That's because I visit you as often as I can, I miss you both soo much.' They said they missed me too, and I said 'I love you girls,' they said 'I love you too daddy' and that's when I realized we were dreaming... and once I became aware of the dream I looked around and said 'I don't know where I am. Where I live.' and then someone said 'hey, there's Molly, she's waving down that street.' I looked behind and saw we had only passed two streets, when I passed three to get where I had, and then looked back at Molly one street up.

She was on the street where I lived. Where she came, I have no idea. But yeah.. Then I woke up. I miss my girls more than anything in the world. It was to the point in the dream, I was almost willing to give up my future with Kash, or rather, post pone it, so that I could look after the girls until their mom took them back away from me. That's how much I miss and need my girls. *Sigh* I don't want Kash to take offense to that, but I just knew, I wouldn't have another chance with them.. and I knew Azra would be taking them back soon.

I just want my daughters. If I could have them right now, I would. I wish by some miracle, something happens, and they are brought back to me. Even better they are brought back to me, with out any conditions. I can live my life, and we all can be happy. With them there, smiling and laughing and not having any worries in the world. Such beautiful girls, no girl is or will ever be as beautiful as my Merci and Grace. -The pic is one of the only I have left. Azra deleted all pics and vids I had of them from my laptop as a going away present.-

-Khai

So annoyed,

I swear it's been a certain amount of time, but my mom says it's another. I don't know how this is going to go, personally I don't see it going anywhere but to the shits. I try to keep my head up, keep myself in high spirits, but it's just not working lately. Ann tries, but I just.. don't know anymore.

I give up.

-Khai

Where I stand..

Is apparently where I'll fall. Let's just hope not. Because I don't want to be stuck here forever. I'm trying.. but there is only so much I can do. This is really retarded I am having to depend so much on Ann. She says she cares, but its so hard to believe her anymore. Really hard to believe her.

Kris said she would help pay for half a plane ticket.. and I can't even get a damn ticket til I talk to Ann. It's been two fucking days, where the hell is she? I want to be in GA by the 31st so I can spend New Years Eve with Kash. Damn it, why does the world hate us so much that it is literally breaking every fucking bridge we build.

It's not fair. I want to say fuck it. But I wont. I can't. Too much is at stake. Doesn't Ann see this? She says she does, but again.. I just can't believe her anymore. Blah.

-Khai

Tell me about yourself… (Thx Atropos)

Tell me about yourself…

You have probably seen this game before, but if not the rules are simple: copy my questions and answers, replace my answers with yours, and either post on your blog or in comments.

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
   No.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
   The other night..
   
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
   No.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
   Err..Turkey?
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
   *Sigh.* No.
   
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
   Yes.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
   What's that?
   
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
   Uh huh
   
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
   Hahaha, no.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
    Umm...hm. Dunno.
    
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
    IF, and that's a big if, I wear shoes with laces, no.
    
12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
    Cookies n Cream
    
13. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
    Their confidence level.
    
14. RED OR PINK?
    Red or pink...what?
    
15. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
    Hmm, Kash knows the answer to this.
    
16. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
    Kash, of course.
    
17. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
    If they want to.
18. WHAT COLOR SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
    Dark blueish.
    
19. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
    Err, a poptart? I think..
    
20. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
    The Proclaimers
    
21. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
    Dark Grey (Timberwolf I think is the name for it)
    
22. FAVORITE SMELLS?
    Umm...
23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
    A friend of my mothers that called for her, didn't really -talk- though..
    
24. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
    He's pretty cool I guess, lol. Don't know him -that- well.
    
25. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
    If I watch sports, it's Hockey or Baseball, but only in person. I don't watch sports on TV.
26. Hair Color?
    Brown
27. EYE COLOR?
    Green
28. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
    Nope.
29. FAVORITE FOOD?
    Pastas
30. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
    Scary movies are boring, happy endings are over-rated.
    
31. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
    I don't remember....
    
32. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
    Black.
    
33. SUMMER OR WINTER?
    Spring.
34. Hugs or kisses?
    How about hugs with kisses?
    
35. FAVORITE DESSERT?
    Hmm, don't have one.
    
36. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
    It'll probably be someone I least expect, aside from maybe Kash.
    
37. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
    All those that don't, lmao.
    
38. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
    Nada.
39. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
    Don't have one.
    
40. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
    CSI: Las Vegas
    
41. FAVORITE SOUND?
    Hehehe.......not telling.
    
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
    Umm.. neither.
    
43. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
    South-east Asia
    
44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
    I'm sure..I dunno.
    
45. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
    Richmond, VA
    
46. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
    Anyone who's willing to answer.
    

Another depressing day...

it seems is almost inevitable. Maybe it's the rain? Maybe it's just me. Either way, it's in the works, I can feel it brewing. God I hate days like today. It seems there are more of these than any other lately.

Didn't wake up like this, but it sure set in quick. It is setting in, quick. Maybe I should just go baack to bed? No. What good would that do me? None at all, all it'd probably do is cause me to gain an extra pound or two, having just ate some breakfast.

Sedona's getting on my nerves. Shes not really doing anything that any other dog wouldn't do. But, that's kind of the point. I just don't like dogs. Star drives me nuts as it is, and Dona's a lot like her, but ten times bigger.

She is more demanding though, wanting attention. Attention I just don't want to give. I can't help that I don't like dogs. Just like one can't help they might not like cats. I miss my cats terribly. It's another reason I am depressed. They helped/help me so much, and they are not here.

I miss my Corey, I miss my Shayde. I pray they are both doing well. Stupid Ann hasn't sent shit, like she said she would. Nor has she been online/mobile to tell me or Kash what's up. All those fucking people there and she cant borrow a phone for two minutes.

Puh-lease. I'm not stupid. I hate her fucking lies.

Something is pulling at me as of late, but I just can't seem to put my finger on it. Music is no longer helping my mood. Neither is Kash. They only seem to make me worse. Make my depression deeper. Nothing against Kash, I love him, but its the fact that I do love him, and I don't have him, that just......yeah.

I'm done.

-Khai

Last night...

So, I cried myself to sleep last night. Not because of what one would think, either.

He said something to me that really upset me, it's the real reason why I said I wanted to turn my computer off while I slept. No other reason. I didn't -need- to turn it off. It's been on for days at a time, no problems. Part of him knew something was wrong, but I kept insisting nothing was. Guess that makes me a liar, but I just couldn't talk about it. I still can't. So, if he asks, I wont talk about it. It's best he doesn't ask, because other wise, we'll probably wind up fighting.

I don't want to fight. I hate fighting. We fight too much as it is, due to all this frustration. It's becoming more frequent too that my grandmother is bitching about Ann, the cats, Sedona.. all stuff that really is none of her business. She bitches none the less, and it really pisses me off. I am just hoping one of these days I don't blow up at her. It takes a lot of patience to just hold ones tongue when they are being bitched at, about things that is no one elses to mind.

Ann has not tried to contact me in a few. Not since the last time. I love her, but this has gone on too far. Too long. It's becoming too much. She said today she was going to overnight me money for the pets, and then on the 20th she's supposed to send 400 or so more. Psh, I'll believe that when I see it. Everything any more out of her mouth are just utter lies, and I'm sick of it. Whatever. Okay, I am going to stop before I get angry, and this is -not- the place for my anger.

-Khai

Good bye, and Good riddance.

So, last night, as I was eating a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy's; which I love, when a program comes on TV. The topic: Fattiest fast foods for cheap. >.< Yeah, you can see where this is going. The Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger was number 5 on the list. At almost 400 calories for the single sandwich. How disgusting is that? Yeah, I love it, but no. That was my last one. I care too much about my health than to eat myself an early grave.

Sucks, because those things are so fucking good too. Gr. Oh well. It's better than having high blood pressure, etc in a few years. I already have enough health problems, I don't need to be adding on to the list. I already believe I'm anemic, and I know I have issues with calcium, since I rarely eat or drink anything with milk in it. Lactose Intolerance-y sucks. Calcium pills are pretty expensive, so eh. I wish orange juice was cheap, I love that, and you can get the fortified with calcium kind. Has as much calcium as a gallon of milk.

Grr, stupid economy.

-Khai

Dona's n'da house

So, I decided I would let Sedona in this morning, since she was shivering like mad in her kennel. Poor thing. She just doesn't have the coat to be outside, and she refuses to get under her blankets in the kennel out back. She's just laying down and chillin on the flo. Being a good dog. She's always a good dog, my grandmother is just worried cuz she's a medium sized dog. Only having had little dogs before in the house, she's skeptical.

Eh, oh wells. When it warms back up outside, Dona can go back out. I'll just have to watch her, cuz she isn't 100% house trained, despite I think it's more behavioural with her. She -can- and has held it in the house, sometimes she just doesn't -want- to. Who ever says dogs don't do things out of spite/anger/sadness, are just retarded. The end.

Stars at Mike's with my mother.. so I'm bored, no Starlite's to pway wif her daddy's.. boo.

-Khai

Daymare; the day before

Yesterday started off bad, and for the life of me, I just couldn't get it to get any better. For starters, my mother tried to get me to give her money.. but refused to tell me what it was for. When asked, she'd stutter and search for words in her brain. Obvious signs to me, her son, who's known her all his life, and was with her unfortunately during most of her meth addiction, that she in fact, was asking for drug money. Which means she is, most likely, in fact using again.

Which is what I've been suspecting, and dreading for at least the past month. I am -not- okay with this. But, I can't say anything. She's a grown woman. More than grown, she -could- be a grandmother by now, if myself and my brother hadn't been careful all these years. Even when I was married before, I was careful. I didn't want to bring any babies into this world, not knowing the future was clear for her and I. Good thing too, cuz we divorced.

That's besides the point, I'm not happy with my mother doing this. How dare she ask me, for money, to support her habit. Now, I carry my wallet on me at all times, I can't trust her any longer. Which is very sad for any child to feel about his/her mother. So, once again, I feel parentless. Not having a father any longer, and now, again, losing a mother. At least this time, I'm 24 years old, and NOT dependent on her. Where as when I was 12, and very much -dependent- on her.

Whatever. I tried and tried to feel better yesterday, and there were moments where I was higher than most, but it always went back down. And then, way down by the time I went to sleep. My depression only feeds Kash's depression. I really don't think I'm gonna get to his house for Christmas. I really want to, but it doesn't look this way. It makes me so upset, so I got that worry and pain, on top of this other shit, that I'm stuck with here.

How is one to get anything done in the world? Is it any wonder why people commit suicide? I mean really. I've been so fucking close, so many times this week, its disgusting. Especially since I loathe the very act itself. Yet I can't help but fantasize. I hate that saying "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade" because um, hello! What if you're out of fucking sugar! It's not so easy anymore to go to your neighbor and borrow a cup. You're likely to be shot!

-Khai

Killing me softly,

each breath feels like a knife. Slicing through me. I bleed for you to see, but you don't. You wont. How can you see, when you've cut your eyes out. I scream for you to hear, but you wont. You don't. How can you hear when you're blaring music in your ears so loud. Every breath, brings me that much closer to death, and you are oblivious, fucking ridiculous.

Then you have the audacity to ask me what's wrong. Why I've been quiet? Stop fucking talking for two seconds and you might notice someone else is speaking. But I wont speak anymore. I've spoke my mouth dry, throat raw. Each breathe pains me to take. So easy, me to end it. So fucking easy. Beat you to the punch. Then for once, I wouldn't have to feel a burden.

You know what? You put me in this position. All because you couldn't stand up to them. Wouldn't speak when it mattered most. I don't know what to think anymore. What to feel, do, say. To you. I'm lost. So far fucking gone, I don't know how to get back. I don't even know if I want to go back. Knowing I have so much happiness..waiting for me. But I can't reach out and touch it, it's haunting me.

Killing me softly.

-Khai

Kick me out?

So, before I blog about today >.> I wanted to go back to last night, since I was too tired to blog then. Making this short, I had gotten up at like 3 or 4 am as usual for the day and so by 3 in the afternoon I wanted a nap. I wanted a nap, because I didn't want to go to bed early and get up at 3 am again. So, I am trying to nap and my mother comes in the room, and says she wants the room so she can lay down because she was tired. Well no shit she's tired, she had to try and sleep on the damn recliner.

Anyway, I'm like half asleep and thinking, wtf this is fucking ridiculous. So, I drag my ass out of bed, and I decide to go take the bathroom hostage. No way was I going to go into the living room and sit on the floor, because her friend was on the couch and my gma was in her chair, like every day when she's awake. So, I lock my happy ass in the bathroom and lay in there a while, but it became too much. Stars been pissing in there obviously. >.< It smelt so bad of urine.

I get up and am like, fuck this. I go out into the living room and my moms friend had went back into the room with her, so that was okay. Now, I wasn't SOO mad anymore that Georgia was here, yes I know Georgia, but from only being able to see a head full of blonde hair in the middle of the night, I wasn't able to identify her. She lost her apt due to the fact the guy she was staying with died last week. She wasn't on the lease, so she had to leave.

But, it was still an inconvience none the less. Anyway, I'm out here in the living room and my gmas like, I'm going to the store. And, like my mother and Georgia out of no where were going to. So, wtf. I got kicked out, just for my mother to leave? I thought she was so effing tired?? Anyway, I'm forcing myself to stay awake as they are gone. Dead ass tired, I couldn't take a nap because I knew they'd be home sooner or later, and I'd just be woke.

They eventually got home, and I'm dizzy as all hell from being sick and tired, and mom made dinner or whatever. I ate, but it just made me sicker. Boo. Anyways, when it was near ten pm, I finally just asked my mother if I couldn't go back into the bedroom since I was tired and I needed to sleep, and obviously my gma would be awake til 2 am or so. She finally agreed and I took my stuff BACK to the bedroom.

Talked on the phone for about twenty minutes with Kash, then passed out. We didn't get to be on the phone last night, which really sucked. It was weird waking up and him not being there, and me being able to hear him sleeping in my ear, and or next to me. Depending on whether or not I had the head phones in or not. Hopefully tonight though we can sleep together. I woke up at 6am, fresh and ready to start the day.

Came out to the living room and told my mom she could go in the room, since I was up for the day. Which she did. Been out here since. Anddddd onto my next blog.

-Khai

Who the fuck...?

So I wake up like normal, and I'm starving.....wanting to eat. I go to head to the kitchen, just to find some random blonde woman crashed out on my fucking couch. WTF. My mothers asleep in the reclining chair next to her, and I want food. Being that I'm just oh so nice, I go back to my room, miserable and starving, because I don't want to wake them, trying to make myself breakfast. I come back to bed, pass back out, and wake two hours later and just say fuck it. I finally went and got me some cereal.

It's bullshit, really. What can I say though. I only wonder if my grand mother is even aware of this mysterious house guest. She's been sick in bed since yesterday morning. She'll be awake soon though having to take her blood sugar, and pressure soon, along with using her nebulizer, and she does this in the livingroom. This is one of the reasons why when I was 16, I was emancipated. I was tired of the random druggies coming in and out of my house, using my bathroom etc. Some times, the fuckers would walk right into the bathroom, while I was in the shower.

Supposedly my moms not doing drugs, but I have my doubts. It's not my business though, not anymore. It was when I was under her care, but I'm not any longer. I've since aged, and grown. Still though, I'm here, she's here, and she's starting her shit again. I'm glad I'll be leaving soon, but I worry for my grandmother. I pray that if she is starting this shit again, that it wont get any worse than what it was. Especially since she's living with my grandmother. And, even though my grandmother drives me crazy, I still love and worry about her.

-Khai

Whimpers and Giggles

Something so comforting about falling asleep, listening to the sound of Kash breathing in my ear. It is really hard us being so far apart, and I am determined to be my Christmas gift this year, for him. Even though that means flying, when I hadn't wanted to fly. However, something tells me this is how it was supposed to be. We would get the chance, to 'meet' and meet alone, with out anyone else in the middle. Which is exactly what we need. Both of us were almost dreading our 'meeting' because of the fact Ann would have been there.

Yes, she is our wife, but at the same time, it is he and I that are soul mates. Some, no, most people would not/do not understand our relationship. Ann and I, met online in 2006, the beginning of, and we were friends for two years, before we decided to meet. After we met, we decided to date. I knew, from the moment we met, I wanted to marry her, and have her in my life, no matter as what, as long as she was there. We talked about everything, including multiple partnered relationships. Both believing that was something we wanted, and needed.

I was still searching for my soul mate. Ann is a soul partner, soul family. I was searching for the one person that completed me. I knew he/she was out there some where. Ann knew he/she was too, as well as her own soul mate, being some where, and she too wanted to find them. I met Kash, online, at the same place I had met Ann, ironically it was the same month, just two years later. Apparently, Kash and Ann had known one another from that site, in Dec. '05 and we hit it off right away, both feeling that we knew each other, some how..some where.

As it is with any relationship, that is from beyond this world, the mortal world. Months later, he and I came to the realization that we were in fact soul mates, and we brought this up to Ann, who just laughed and said 'took you two long enough' and she was happy for us. So, now, the three of us, are in a committed relationship with one another. All married, according to our beliefs. Ann's still searching for her soul mate, and Kash and I are all for that, why wouldn't we be. But since Kash and I have not physically met, our first meeting, we had wanted it to be just us.

With how the things were being planned, it would be Ann and I, meeting Kash for the first time, together. However, things have changed and I am going to try to fly out to Kash myself, for Christmas, alone. Since Ann is having a hard time getting the time off of work. I can't wait, to be able to hold my baby, and feel his warmth against my own. So, getting back to the title of this blog, the past couple of times Kash and I have fallen asleep together, we've left the phones on. And, it is amazing being able to hear his breathing change, just as he's falling under. Brings me to an amazing calm.

I sleep so good, knowing he's there, with in a words distance, if I need him. I hated falling asleep alone. And this way, we aren't alone. Not as much as we were before. And, it just makes me even more excited for the day when we are together in person. I was woke an hour and a half ago, because I heard my baby whimpering in his sleep. Not five minutes later, he was giggling, before going silent again, and all I heard was his steady breathing. God I love him.

Kash Emile Finn; my baby, my love, my light, my life, my all, my everything. <3 Forever and Always.

-Khai

Starlite

This little girl is just all over me, and it's cute. She is like 'OMG, DADDY!' Heh. Jumping all over me, and cuddling, licking. Wanting my attention. If it was any other dog, it'd annoy me, because I just really don't like dogs. But, I love Star, she's my baby.

I think I am going to miss her, but of course, I'll play it like I don't. That's just how I do things. It helps ease the pain, to pretend it doesn't exist all together. Maybe I'm weird, maybe I'm not. Either way, I'm just me, and that's all I can be.

Starlite has been my baby since she was just seven weeks old, and all but a month and a half of her life, she's been with me, day in and day out. And only for that month and a half was she gone due to Ann and I having to move, and her not being able to go til she was fully vaccinated. That was really hard on me, not having her around. When for so long she was there. And now, despite we are close, we aren't like we used to be.

She isn't the same pup, and I'm not the same master. She forgot most her tricks, she forgot her manners, etc. And, yes, most of this -can- be re-taught, but the problem is, now we are back where it all started, and the reasons she forgot them to begin with, are a constant once more in her life. Hence, it's a lost cause. Oh well. She's staying with them anyway when I leave. And like I said, I will miss her.

But, at least I'll have my cats then? Whom, I miss terribly right now. But that in itself is a whole other blog. I'll probably get around to that later, too maybe. I have to go now though, because my head is hurting. Really bad. So, I am going to have to cut this short. <3

-Khai