You know what I hate?

Attention seekers. People who do and say things, for the sole purpose of getting attention. It is NOT okay, to do what you did, and then hide the evidence, and not so much as even talk to us, those that actually fucking cared enough to seek out through other sources, some way to find out if everything was okay. Didn't even BOTHER to message and say hey, sorry about the scare, I was real upset.

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. You know what? From now on, that's what you are to me. To Kash. To two people who probably were of the few, that truly cared. Your loss though. Our gain. Less for us to worry about. More energy and devotion to give to someone else, who rightfully deserves our worry, our stress, our love. Fuck this shit, fuck you. Can't even own up to what you did.

Pathetic.

-Khai

Try

...but it just never works out. I try to seperate my life from certain some ones, because of their so called bogus friendship ethics, however, they always find their way back into my life. Take twitter, for instance. I have a twitter. I have very little people on it, for a reason. Yet, I get an email, on my OLD email's asking for me to make a twitter, to keep in touch with said friend.

And, of course, what do I do. I start following their twitter. Instead of just deleting the messages and moving on, I followed their twitter. Why can't I just let enough alone? Yeah I feel bad about just up and disappearing from their life, however, it ceases to amaze me, at how little remorse they feel, for their loyalty, to me, who was a so-called best friend. (Until all the shit happened with my ex, and they decided they wanted to stay friends with both, yet keep the friendship with me, a secret, from her, so she wont get pissed off.)

What the fuck kind of shit is that? I mean, really? You call that being a friend? How the hell can you be friends with someone, yet keep it on the down low, and hide it from the world. That is not a friendship. That's cowardice. And if it's one thing I hate most, it's that. Cowards. They fit right there alongside liars and cheats in my book. Hence, I just up and stopped talking to them, took them off my myspaces, facebook, everything.

I don't need them. If they want to hide our friendship, than there is NO friendship to hide. The end. So why the fuck?! did I just follow them on twitter. Basically inviting them back into my life? Why? Because in her case, I at one point considered her my best friend, my twin sister. We were that close. I miss the friendship we had, but I refuse to go back, since she is still, friends with my ex. After all my ex did to me, she's friends with my ex. FUCK ALL OF THEM.

I'm done.

Sorry, needed to vent.

Apparently, I did. Despite, I could go on and say a whole shit load more.

-Khai

Jobless equals worthless;

At least, in some respect. In my mind. I hate not being able to work, and support myself, let alone my family. I hate relying on someone elses if and when chances, that they can buy food. And not just any food, we're talking the food that has zero nutritional value, but it is cheap, and fills your stomach, can't afford anything else, so you eat it stuff. Every day, literally battling with hunger. Some days getting nothing more than a few crackers to eat, others getting one to two cups of ramen, when luck is on our side.

Makes me very sad, because of all the other people out there, probably suffering just as much, if not more. Don't even get me started on the kids. Very very sad. I wish there was something that could be done, but most likely, nothing will be. Nothing can be.

In the mean time, just playing some online games, to pass the time away, in hopes that the phone will ring, either for myself or Kash, saying they want an interview with one or both of us. Dreading, it will never come. Blah. Hurray for Wizard101 though for a pass time. Just wish I could go further than Triton Avenue, bleh. But, food definitely comes first. Wouldn't you agree?

-Khai

Figured now was a good a time as ever;

Just been feeling over all blah lately. Not just because of the shit that's been going on, but because of things, that I just really can't explain. Don't ask, because I can't even begin to explain them, or understand, none the less, comprehend with in my own mind. Couple of people I miss, or maybe it was the attention they gave me, that I miss. Either way, it's been bugging me. Feels like something is just missing, but it's not something I wish to go reaching for, to get back.

People. Places. Things.

Once had, can't and or wont have again.

I'm frustrated with my current financial situation. Royally. I miss having the freedom to go buy whatever I wanted, right when I wanted it, with out having to worry if I might need that money with in the following week for food, or something of the like. I'm used to it, but at the same time, I really do not like it. It's hot, yet it's not that bad. Things could always be worse. I could be stuck in Arizona like last summer, with out AC in 110 degree weather. Thankful I am for being here, and with my love.

So angry, yet at the same time, trying to just ignore.

Ignore her, the past, what was lost.

Hate settles in, and I try, I really do, to push it aside. Yet it still finds its way to the front of my brain, the tip of my tongue, boiling the blood traveling through my veins, convincing me that smashing my hand through the wall is the best thing to do about it. Yell and scream, fight and call names, letting her know just how she makes me feel, how angry, annoyed, disgusted, and then some with her.

But, I push aside. Let it go. Or try to.

Like I said, it still some how manages to surface.

-Khai

If only

I was a better multitasker. Don't get me wrong, I'm actually a really good one. However, I want to blog, but I also am wanting to play games. Let's face it, you can't really do both, can you? Well, you can, but then it would take forever for you to get your blog finished, and by the time you hit the publish button, I think it's safe to say over half your depth was lost, if not all of your reasons to blog, forgotten. I will, get to blogging soon. I just have to be in the exact mind frame, if I want it done right.

Lately, my mind has just been in too many places.

-Khai

Run Away and NEVER Look Back

[[Since this is going to be long, I'm going to just blog it. I need to update, and have been meaning to for a really long time, but due to the issues brought up in Kash's blog, I haven't fucking felt like it.]]

Trust me, I know exactly how you are feeling. Though I'm most likely feeling just a bit differently. I'm feeling like running the fuck away. Getting the fuck out, not caring if I'm on the streets for the rest of my life.

At this point. I've already told you how I feel about being in situations like this. Where I want, and NEED to take a stand, but I have absolutely NO standing to stand on. Aside from principal.

Which I tell you know, just like I told you about that AC unit. I fucking told you, she was going to get a unit to put in there, and they'd run it 24/7. And I'm telling you now, if I were to even try and speak up, Fred would turn around and tell me to shut the fuck up, I have no business in his 'family' affairs.

I'm sorry, but I'm more fucking family than he is. But apparently, Pa has lost his balls with all that chemo for his prostate cancer. It killed more than just the cancer it seems. Since Pa can sit there and practically cry, about the situation, but not do a damned thing but shrug and look pathetic.

I also, told you exactly why he let Fred in. And again, it's because of me. And because I am here. I do NOT like being the cause, whether directly, or indirectly, to peoples problems, and suffering. Which is EXACTLY what I am right now. I am trying to hide away in the fucking games, and what not, just to keep my cool.

Keep from packing a few clothes in my bag, and walking the fuck out. Because you have asked me not to. But what happens next month, when the bill for the power actually comes? Huh? We are ALL going to have to get the fuck out.

We are all going to be on the streets. If not because of the lack of power to run the fans, let alone the damn AC's, etc, just to keep cool.

I also told you, I refuse to get put in another situation where I am working (when I get work, hopefully soon) and having to fit the bill for some lazy ass mother fucker wanna be rock star crack head and his skanky ass crack whore too, who for no other reason than they are fuckers, wont contribute to the bills around the house.

I honestly feel like making DAMNED sure all those responsible right now pay. And pay good. Pay like they've NEVER fucking paid before. I'm not okay. I haven't been okay since the day Fred first came over here and met me, if you could even call it that.

I told you then, he's planning something, and we see now what he had planned. He came over enough times to know exactly HOW to hit, and he's hitting, hard, and right where it hurts. You can't tell me I am not the reason for this mess. And I wont stand for it much longer. I will leave.

Because since I can NOT do anything about it, I'll be damned to let myself become the victim of abuse, by association. We are NOT running the AC, to keep the bill down, turning the AC off down stairs as much as possible, to keep the bill down, when we see he's turned it on and left the house/room.

We took the damned TV out of our room, and told Pa to cancel our service, to CUT THE BILL. We unplug EVERYTHING that can be in our room, ANY TIME we aren't using it.

Just to cut down on the bill. Only for that bastard to go and have his girlfriend BUY an AC unit to put in his room (after we hurriedly grabbed the one out of that room and put it in ours, to KEEP him from doing exactly what he's doing now) and run it 24/7. Even when he leaves the room/house.

Run his computer, the lights, EVERYTHING, all the time. How do we know he's got the damned computer on? Well we can see when we check the computer network, that Fred-PC is connected. It can't be connected if it's not turned on and logged in. We are suffering, bending over backwards for Pa, because we care, and don't want anything bad to happen, FOR ALL OUR SAKES, and he's being cowardly.

Shrugging his shoulders, and just letting it happen. I really, REALLY fucking wish we knew someone, ANYONE around where we could go. But, we can't go, because we have no money. Hence, I said, let's just go to a fucking shelter. We'd probably have a better chance getting a job that way anyway. Might not be a job we want, but it'd be money coming in. Despite, it'd be going no where, since we'd be living in a room, with hundreds others, sleeping on cots.

Whatever. I don't care anymore. No one else does. I only care about you, and me. And I say let's get the fuck out. Pack a bag, get some food, and take a hike and never come back. But that's just me. What do I know. Nothing? Apparently.

Lots and Lots of Pain

Ow. One word for it. Ow. I think it's time I take some more medicine. Lots going on, but I just don't really feel much up to doing anything about it. Need to clean the mice cages, but Pa's made our tub a no touch zone right now. Ow. Pain, constant. Needs to fucking quit.

Today, is not a good day. Tomorrow, will not be a good day. The next day, even, will be bad too. Blahhhhhhhh, go away.

-Khai

Murphey's Law

..or something like it. Today, has definitely been an off day. As I write this, I am in a lot of pain, and having to learn to type differently to make up for the finger that is throbbing, and swollen so big, the pain from that alone, is immense. Woke in a fairly good mood today. At first, I was a little confused and still in mid-dream, but it was okay soon after. Kash just had to speak, and I was alright.

After that though, thing after thing, kept happening, and not in the best of ways either. First though, the pizza burned(ish), second, it fell on the floor. Third, the hot sauce decided it would rather be on the blanket, than the pizza, literally making a run for it. Or rather, slide. I hurt someone, because I was mad, not naming names, it doesn't matter, what matters is that I am sorry.

And even apologized and kissed it better. THEN, Cinaed bit me. Not once, and not twice, but three times. The second is/was the most painful of them all. Hence, the swollen finger, and throbbing pain. I think he got my vein, in which case, I might need to go to the hospital. Just pray I wont have to, and that things will be okay. Think though, that that was all of it thus far? Guess again.

Rasui got out, and ran all over the living area. We chased her for a good while, me, with my one hand, and Kash with his two, til we finally managed to grab her and put her back up. I wont get into the why and how she got out, it doesn't matter now. Despite, someone is still a little annoyed at it, but whatever. Its done, its over with. A part of me wants to take Cinaed and toss him out the front door, and say saianara. But, I wont.

All of this, has happened thus far. I should have known it would be an off day, when one of the frogs escaped into the hallway last night before bed, huh?

Oy vey.

Khai, over and out.

Peace.