No tears;

Why I haven't really posted much on the death of my grandmother. I don't really know what it is, about me, but I've been like this since I was much younger. I can cry, and cry, and get emotional about losing something/someone over and over, before I actually lose it/them. However, it seems that once they/it is gone, I just can't cry. Or maybe I wont allow myself. Not really sure which it is. I just know, I've not been able to in a long time, post passing.

It doesn't mean that I'm not heart broken, because I am very heart broken. I miss her terribly, and not a moment goes by that I don't think of her, and want to pick up the phone to call her. Then realize, with a skipped heart beat, that she is not there to answer my call. It is devastating. She was my one constant in my life. The thing that I knew, no matter what was going on in the world, or with me, and everyone else, that if and when I called the house, she would answer, and we would talk for 5 minutes, to 5 hours.

I miss her.

I miss my grandmother.

Long time..I know.

Finally got around to moving my blog posts to a new blog. Didn't like that a few people were following the old one still. Now that that is gone, I can feel some what more comfortable speaking my mind. Lots of things, too many things, really, have gone on in just this past month. With having to go to the hospital, multiple times, to death, to moving, etc etc etc. I'm not in the mood to post now about them, and most likely I will back post about them. Now that I feel more comfortable speaking about my life, I will most likely be speaking more about my life.

My world, crashing down;

And all because my grandmother passed away. Today, was not a good day.

Death of many things..

..think any birth will come of this? So, tons has happened since I was last able to post. And despite I've some what had the net this past two or so weeks, it's been very unreliable, and at times, impossible to leach on to. Even then, I've hardly felt like blogging. It seems so much has changed, yet I'm still the same? Maybe, who knows. I'm sure I've changed to some degree, I mean, every day is a lesson, one in which we all grow and learn from.

One thing that has not changed, and yet, it has, is my love for Kash. He is my world. He is my rock, when I need something solid, my glue, when I need something permanent, my elastic, when I need something flexible. I can tell him anything, with out worrying about getting hurt, or being hurt, or even misunderstood. I love him so much, and I only wish he knew exactly how much. But, I'm sure he loves me just as much, and there for, I'm sure he knows.

Mama died, or rather, Isis, our hamster. I honestly can't remember if I ever blogged about that. I really can't remember if we had the net at the time, or not. That was hard on Rhett, and Kash. Li and Ase, of course were upset about it too. I was as well, but not as much as them. Then, Mnoti finally died. We knew that was coming, after all, she kept having problems with her eyes, and her weight. Finally though, we noticed labored breathing, and we seperated her from the other girls.

With in a week, she had died. Then just yesterday, Rasui died. That hit me hard. We noticed about a week ago, she started having labored breathing, and it was really sudden. Don't know what happened to her. But, she finally gave up yesterday evening. I held her as she took her last breaths. I whispered good bye to her as I felt her slipping away. Hopefully they are all in a much better place then here, in this world. Because all I see in the future, in terms of mankind as a whole, is a lot of crap.

I'm tired of the fighting, between everyone. It really needs to stop. But, how to make it stop? Well, I don't think it's even possible by a mere mortal such as myself.

Nailah, has officially started puberty, she's going through her second wave of heat spells. Real annoying, because we can't get much sleep as a result. Blah, oh well. We have a rat.. don't know if I ever had the opportunity of saying that. We took Cinaed and Ciaron back to the store, because we were tired of them fighting, and traded them in for Maiko. She's pretty good, and much more social than the mice. She was iffy at first, but now she's spoiled rotten.

Over all, I may be jobless, I may not have much to my name, but I do have Kash, and I do have my pets. I couldn't really ASK for more, despite I might want it. I love my life, because I have so much love in it. So much so, that it pushes past that hate that those assholes in the next room love to try and spread. After all, misery loves company. Well, this company ain't up for sell.

Nailah Sarayi


Maiko Taki