Every night..

before I fall asleep, a million thoughts run through my head.

I should probably stop just letting them run loose, because by the time I get up for the day, they have since ran so much, I can no longer focus on the actual thoughts/feelings they were posing.

Despite obviously, they are still there in my subconscious, I need to get them out. I need to talk/blog about them. Else, they are just going to continue to confuse me, and depress me.

And we all don't want that right?

Right.

So much I want and need to do, will I ever be able to?

That is one of the major thoughts that keep plaguing me, upsetting me. I talked to Kash a little about it last night, despite I didn't speak on all that was on my mind.

Not because I didn't want to, but mostly because I just couldn't figure out a way to get the words out. I rarely can find the right words anyway.

Constantly worried..

yes.

-Khai

Can't decide..

if it's a good thing or bad. I'm not really holding back much anymore, in terms of what is on my mind. I usually let Lestat speak on those issues.. but I feel the emotions, the thoughts.. hmm. I can't explain it. So just forget that. I don't feel like speaking on it, despite I should. Problem is, most wont understand. Those that will, wont need to comment here on my blog, and those that wont, will comment, and think I'm crazy.

I don't really know why I don't like to, and or feel like talking in instant messenger anymore. Despite I open pidgen, and leave it open usually through out the day. It's kind of like being on the phone. I don't do...phones. It's too... instant. O.o I'm not needing that really in my life right now. I'm needing penpalish type people. People that I'm going to hear from 1-3 times a week (via blogs, emails, snail mail, whatever). And not just hi-bye shit either. We're talking three paragraph minimum conversations, and or confessions (in bloggings case).

Basically, I just need more, not less. And believe it or not, but talking via instant message right now, is actually less (for me). I sent a few letters out, a while ago. They have yet to get back to me. I don't understand Loves (Mel) right now.. as she hasn't written I, or Kash back..yet she was the one.. hm. Then she tried to follow me on Twitter.. I let her follow, but I am never on. I'm just confused I guess when it comes to her. Don't really understand it much. Eh. On to Ann.. so don't really know what's going on there.

She too confuses me. Not in a good way either. At least, not of late. I'm never sure where things are. I do know that I am getting really annoyed with the instant messages (texts in her case) saying repeatedly 'I love you.' 'I miss you.' 'I need you.' etc, many variations of the same three phrases. I can't be sure if its what shes saying, what she's NOT saying, the repetition, or just the instant messages itself, that is bothering me, or a mixture of all, or none. I am just confused when it comes to her. My wife.

Lost..yes, appropriate, isn't it. I'm Lost.

-Khai