Every night..

before I fall asleep, a million thoughts run through my head.

I should probably stop just letting them run loose, because by the time I get up for the day, they have since ran so much, I can no longer focus on the actual thoughts/feelings they were posing.

Despite obviously, they are still there in my subconscious, I need to get them out. I need to talk/blog about them. Else, they are just going to continue to confuse me, and depress me.

And we all don't want that right?

Right.

So much I want and need to do, will I ever be able to?

That is one of the major thoughts that keep plaguing me, upsetting me. I talked to Kash a little about it last night, despite I didn't speak on all that was on my mind.

Not because I didn't want to, but mostly because I just couldn't figure out a way to get the words out. I rarely can find the right words anyway.

Constantly worried..

yes.

-Khai

Can't decide..

if it's a good thing or bad. I'm not really holding back much anymore, in terms of what is on my mind. I usually let Lestat speak on those issues.. but I feel the emotions, the thoughts.. hmm. I can't explain it. So just forget that. I don't feel like speaking on it, despite I should. Problem is, most wont understand. Those that will, wont need to comment here on my blog, and those that wont, will comment, and think I'm crazy.

I don't really know why I don't like to, and or feel like talking in instant messenger anymore. Despite I open pidgen, and leave it open usually through out the day. It's kind of like being on the phone. I don't do...phones. It's too... instant. O.o I'm not needing that really in my life right now. I'm needing penpalish type people. People that I'm going to hear from 1-3 times a week (via blogs, emails, snail mail, whatever). And not just hi-bye shit either. We're talking three paragraph minimum conversations, and or confessions (in bloggings case).

Basically, I just need more, not less. And believe it or not, but talking via instant message right now, is actually less (for me). I sent a few letters out, a while ago. They have yet to get back to me. I don't understand Loves (Mel) right now.. as she hasn't written I, or Kash back..yet she was the one.. hm. Then she tried to follow me on Twitter.. I let her follow, but I am never on. I'm just confused I guess when it comes to her. Don't really understand it much. Eh. On to Ann.. so don't really know what's going on there.

She too confuses me. Not in a good way either. At least, not of late. I'm never sure where things are. I do know that I am getting really annoyed with the instant messages (texts in her case) saying repeatedly 'I love you.' 'I miss you.' 'I need you.' etc, many variations of the same three phrases. I can't be sure if its what shes saying, what she's NOT saying, the repetition, or just the instant messages itself, that is bothering me, or a mixture of all, or none. I am just confused when it comes to her. My wife.

Lost..yes, appropriate, isn't it. I'm Lost.

-Khai

I should..

but I'm just not feeling it lately. I want to blog, but like I said, I just don't feel like it. Despite wanting it. Odd, I know. Eh, oh well. Pretty much, things are the same. Doing what I can, when I can. Bored most the day, since I don't talk to anyone. It's just me and Kash, not that I don't like that, because I do. That's not what I'm saying.

Just saying it is just us, and no one else. I want to get out, but eh, not sure where to go. If anywhere right now, since it is still kinda chilly and stuff. Also, it is a small town, so there might not be anywhere to go? Hmm. I like going out and taking pictures. That is fun. The mice are doing alright. Not AS scared as before, but still a bit iffy.

Asenath died. O.O We have to get a new Asenath, I'm worried about Aiden. He's heart broken (haha) and he might die next. We do NOT want that. :( Lestat and Rhett (the bettas) are doing well. Happy. For the most part, from what we can tell. They make bubble nests randomly. Odd, because they made them more with the goldfish in the tank with them, than with out. Yet they didn't like them in there?

Hmm, yes very odd indeed. Oh well. Not like anyone really reads this anymore. *shrugs* It's like, if I don't put the damn thing in their face, they don't bother looking. I'll remember that. I'll keep that in mind next time I notice one of you all blog. Oh shit, I better stop writing now, because I feel an attitude coming on. Yep. Headache is back.

Peace.

-Khai