No tears;

Why I haven't really posted much on the death of my grandmother. I don't really know what it is, about me, but I've been like this since I was much younger. I can cry, and cry, and get emotional about losing something/someone over and over, before I actually lose it/them. However, it seems that once they/it is gone, I just can't cry. Or maybe I wont allow myself. Not really sure which it is. I just know, I've not been able to in a long time, post passing.

It doesn't mean that I'm not heart broken, because I am very heart broken. I miss her terribly, and not a moment goes by that I don't think of her, and want to pick up the phone to call her. Then realize, with a skipped heart beat, that she is not there to answer my call. It is devastating. She was my one constant in my life. The thing that I knew, no matter what was going on in the world, or with me, and everyone else, that if and when I called the house, she would answer, and we would talk for 5 minutes, to 5 hours.

I miss her.

I miss my grandmother.

Just can't help it;

A huge part of me, misses my friendship with him. Aside from Nina, no one else has been, and will always be a huge part of my life, regardless they are physically in my life or not. Maybe you don't, or can't understand that. I don't know. But it really bothers me, when I want to, but you basically forbid me to. I don't want to get into it either, because I'll just get more upset. Basically, I miss having a friend, a guy friend, more less, a gay, guy friend, that I could talk to about anything and everything, and he wasn't someone that I was romantically involved with.

Nina, you're great, and I really do love you. But there is a lot of things I can't talk to you about, not just because you are a girl, but because of your strict beliefs in certain things, despite you've never enforced them unto me, of which, I love you more for. It's not often you find someone like you, that is accepting of others, for who ever and whatever they might be. But Kash, I guess it's like Stephy for you, Josh is, to me. Just like he misses me, I miss him. Yeah, he pissed me off, royally, but he's young. Much like Nina is. He's like three years younger than me.

But whatever, I'm done with this, and I'm going to play the game now, to try and take my mind off of things.