A huge part of me, misses my friendship with him. Aside from Nina, no one else has been, and will always be a huge part of my life, regardless they are physically in my life or not. Maybe you don't, or can't understand that. I don't know. But it really bothers me, when I want to, but you basically forbid me to. I don't want to get into it either, because I'll just get more upset. Basically, I miss having a friend, a guy friend, more less, a gay, guy friend, that I could talk to about anything and everything, and he wasn't someone that I was romantically involved with.
Nina, you're great, and I really do love you. But there is a lot of things I can't talk to you about, not just because you are a girl, but because of your strict beliefs in certain things, despite you've never enforced them unto me, of which, I love you more for. It's not often you find someone like you, that is accepting of others, for who ever and whatever they might be. But Kash, I guess it's like Stephy for you, Josh is, to me. Just like he misses me, I miss him. Yeah, he pissed me off, royally, but he's young. Much like Nina is. He's like three years younger than me.
But whatever, I'm done with this, and I'm going to play the game now, to try and take my mind off of things.
Hey, if you want to go back to that and bring more harm than good to what we've got, then go ahead. That's what I honestly think would happen. I will never talk to him again. Just like I won't talk to Molly. And, yes I would be mad at you if you went back, but, thats your prerogative if you do. I can't physically stop you, and I wouldn't. You didn't stop me from trying to talk to Matt despite he's hurt me. Why would I stop you? I won't stop you from having friends, I will, however, stop you from bringing harm to our relationship that can easily be stopped. Especially when there isn't any point to it. Do as you wish, I'll love you either way. But, if you do go back and he does one thing, you can bet that I'll pin your ass down to keep you from doing it again.
ReplyDelete-Kash.
I know I don't want to just jump back into a big friendship with him. But I do know, I need someone, mainly him right now, to just talk to. Confide in. His only fault, really babe, was loving me. Can you really blame him, for acting the way he did, when it all comes down to it? He was in my life 'fist' yet, you got me. I am with you. Why? Because, in his eyes, he didn't speak up on his love first. He wouldn't admit it. So, he did what he knew to do, at that point. Which is what just about any human being would do.
ReplyDeleteYeah, this mostly started, because of his immaturity, but he's not going to be immature for long. Every day, we grow, and learn. Every day, he is one more day wiser. I can't penalize him for being nothing more than what he can be. He has a good heart, he's just been hurt, and hurting, and what do we all do, when hurting?
I've been needing, and wanting, to email him for a while now. Just, email him. Take it one step at a time. I do NOT want to have a friendship where we talk every day. I'm no where near ready for that.
Not just with him, but with anyone. In so many ways, you are all I need. But, just like you, and needing to talk to Stephy sometimes, I need to talk to someone. I need to talk to Josh.
And, like I said, I don't care if you talk to him, or Molly. But, don't expect me to befriend him if you two become all buddy-buddy again, because I won't. He's apologized, said, hi, whatever, I.don't.care. on my behalf thats my prerogative. Until he comes directly to me then no. Email him. Call him if you ever get the chance, I don't care. But, the day he starts his shit again, believe me, I will step in. You know this. I love you that much. I won't allow him to hurt you again.
ReplyDeleteJust like, you know damn well that if Matt hurt me again, you'd step in. I understand you need to do that. Go ahead. I'm not stopping you. But, he needs to realize I'm not going anywhere. Ever. And, if he steps over a boundary again.. Well, yeah. Time for crickets now. Or, this pissed off protective mood I'm in gets worse.
It's ok and I understand. I'm not gonna get into the whole you becoming friends with him again or not thing cause I don't really know the whole story. But I find it rare for people to understand my way of thinking. They're usually all "you have to pick a side...for or against..." In reality when it comes right down to it, if it isn't harmful to me and it doesn't effect my life then I don't really have a say it in and I'm not gonna hold it against you. An example, that usually shocks most people, being I don't agree with abortion and I'd never go through with it myself, but I don't know the whole story behind those that do go through with it and their body isn't my body. The only thing I'm really adamantly against (besides the biggies like rape & murder) is smoking because you just aren't slowing killing yourself but the others around you as well because second hand smoke does just as much damage as actually smoking.
ReplyDeleteNow I think I really got off track and I'm no longer sure of what I was saying so I'm gonna end this here and read the other one.
~Nina