Feeling sick, again.

So, the past two days my lungs have literally felt like they were full of water. I am -sometimes- able to cough stuff up to clear them, but sometimes I have no luck. It's not an asthma problem, but I believe an allergy problem. Some people, allergies bother their nose, congesting it, etc. Though I do have that problem, for the past year, my allergies have been affecting my lungs. Making it difficult to breathe.

One of the times I went to the hospital even, I was feeling this way, only slightly worse, and the doctor checked my lungs and said I sounded clear. That was the end of it. Gasping for breathe, he said I was clear, and was more worried about my heart rate. Which, at the time was completely out of control. I don't even remember if I blogged about this, but oh well, I'm commenting on it anyway.

He checked hormone levels, and found my T4 was slightly elevated, suggesting that I might have hyperthyroidism. Do I have it? No clue. Have no way of getting to a doctor. I check my heart rate periodically, as I do feel it getting out of hand sometimes. At which, those times I just lay down and take it easy until I feel my heart rate slowing down to a more normal pace.

I almost broke down earlier today and started crying. A huge wave of grief came over me about the loss of my grandmother, and I was lucky and had Nikhil right there next to me purring and rubbing up against me. He is such a purr butt, lol. I love him to death. He's also such a pig. Always wanting food. We can't say the word "hungry" or "food" or "treat" with out him beginning to wine and beg as if he hasn't eaten in days.

Really wish we could get Nailah looked out. For more than one reason. Her anxiety though it isn't as bad as it once was, it is still high. She still can't stand to be touched for more than a couple of seconds. The other, is her rib cage. I don't know what happened to her before we got her, but what ever it was, really damaged her. It just breaks our heart sometimes. But most the time she seems fine.

My abscessed tooth has been coming and going, in terms of severity. Soon though, hopefully I'll have the tooth taken out. Just waiting on money to come in. When ever it comes in. I don't want to go to the hospital again. I hate the hospital.

And I am starving right now, so I'm going to go and see if I can't get something to eat.

Peace, love and all that shines,
Kaiden James.

No tears;

Why I haven't really posted much on the death of my grandmother. I don't really know what it is, about me, but I've been like this since I was much younger. I can cry, and cry, and get emotional about losing something/someone over and over, before I actually lose it/them. However, it seems that once they/it is gone, I just can't cry. Or maybe I wont allow myself. Not really sure which it is. I just know, I've not been able to in a long time, post passing.

It doesn't mean that I'm not heart broken, because I am very heart broken. I miss her terribly, and not a moment goes by that I don't think of her, and want to pick up the phone to call her. Then realize, with a skipped heart beat, that she is not there to answer my call. It is devastating. She was my one constant in my life. The thing that I knew, no matter what was going on in the world, or with me, and everyone else, that if and when I called the house, she would answer, and we would talk for 5 minutes, to 5 hours.

I miss her.

I miss my grandmother.

My world, crashing down;

And all because my grandmother passed away. Today, was not a good day.