Daymare; the day before

Yesterday started off bad, and for the life of me, I just couldn't get it to get any better. For starters, my mother tried to get me to give her money.. but refused to tell me what it was for. When asked, she'd stutter and search for words in her brain. Obvious signs to me, her son, who's known her all his life, and was with her unfortunately during most of her meth addiction, that she in fact, was asking for drug money. Which means she is, most likely, in fact using again.

Which is what I've been suspecting, and dreading for at least the past month. I am -not- okay with this. But, I can't say anything. She's a grown woman. More than grown, she -could- be a grandmother by now, if myself and my brother hadn't been careful all these years. Even when I was married before, I was careful. I didn't want to bring any babies into this world, not knowing the future was clear for her and I. Good thing too, cuz we divorced.

That's besides the point, I'm not happy with my mother doing this. How dare she ask me, for money, to support her habit. Now, I carry my wallet on me at all times, I can't trust her any longer. Which is very sad for any child to feel about his/her mother. So, once again, I feel parentless. Not having a father any longer, and now, again, losing a mother. At least this time, I'm 24 years old, and NOT dependent on her. Where as when I was 12, and very much -dependent- on her.

Whatever. I tried and tried to feel better yesterday, and there were moments where I was higher than most, but it always went back down. And then, way down by the time I went to sleep. My depression only feeds Kash's depression. I really don't think I'm gonna get to his house for Christmas. I really want to, but it doesn't look this way. It makes me so upset, so I got that worry and pain, on top of this other shit, that I'm stuck with here.

How is one to get anything done in the world? Is it any wonder why people commit suicide? I mean really. I've been so fucking close, so many times this week, its disgusting. Especially since I loathe the very act itself. Yet I can't help but fantasize. I hate that saying "When life throws you lemons, make lemonade" because um, hello! What if you're out of fucking sugar! It's not so easy anymore to go to your neighbor and borrow a cup. You're likely to be shot!

-Khai