Just been feeling over all blah lately. Not just because of the shit that's been going on, but because of things, that I just really can't explain. Don't ask, because I can't even begin to explain them, or understand, none the less, comprehend with in my own mind. Couple of people I miss, or maybe it was the attention they gave me, that I miss. Either way, it's been bugging me. Feels like something is just missing, but it's not something I wish to go reaching for, to get back.
People. Places. Things.
Once had, can't and or wont have again.
I'm frustrated with my current financial situation. Royally. I miss having the freedom to go buy whatever I wanted, right when I wanted it, with out having to worry if I might need that money with in the following week for food, or something of the like. I'm used to it, but at the same time, I really do not like it. It's hot, yet it's not that bad. Things could always be worse. I could be stuck in Arizona like last summer, with out AC in 110 degree weather. Thankful I am for being here, and with my love.
So angry, yet at the same time, trying to just ignore.
Ignore her, the past, what was lost.
Hate settles in, and I try, I really do, to push it aside. Yet it still finds its way to the front of my brain, the tip of my tongue, boiling the blood traveling through my veins, convincing me that smashing my hand through the wall is the best thing to do about it. Yell and scream, fight and call names, letting her know just how she makes me feel, how angry, annoyed, disgusted, and then some with her.
But, I push aside. Let it go. Or try to.
Like I said, it still some how manages to surface.
-Khai
I miss being able to go and buy whatever I wanted as well. Ask for it and it's given, as well as not having to worry about anything. I get it, while at the same time you're like this, you don't necessarily need it. It's the comfort zone thing. We'll be okay, and we will get jobs eventually, and things will be where they should be. Like you said so yourself, we're here for a reason and we'll walk together hand in hand to get through this situation.
ReplyDeleteThis whole frustration and anger thing. We'll work on it together. We both have a long way to go when it comes to patience and everything else that has to do with this. Amongst other things that have to do with our souls. We'll get there. I know I'm persistent and all but I agree when you say that we should do this slowly but surely on top of it all. Punching wall don't help, just like throwing knives at my closet door doesn't help. Believe me, I've been there, and with the temper that I have, I'll probably be there again one of these days. But, the beauty of our relationship is, we have one another to go to whether its us that are mad at one another, or otherwise. We have ways to getting around shit like this.
Despite the heat here, at least we have one another, and we do have things that back then you didn't have. And things you had but don't have now. You'll be fine. We should start the work we have to do now, thats what we all agree on. Okay?
I love you. We all love you.
I not sure what to say to this except that to remind you that there are people that still love and care about you.
ReplyDelete~Nina
*hugs tightly*love you too
ReplyDelete