So,

I don't think I will ever recover from this. Things that were said, despite said in anger, have cut me like a knife. Despite I know they are not true even, still left a deep wound in my soul. For him to say I have never been honest with him, when I've been the most honest with him than with anyone other than Kash. Even when I had 'physical' friends, who at the time I considered best friends, I still talked to Josh about things, rather them.

I had always felt he was one person I could be honest with, and once I had revealed a certain secret about myself to him, there was nothing left to hide with him. I can't help that he takes my lack of socialability as a sign of me just not caring about him, not needing him. Just using him when I'm upset or in need. If that was the case, I would have gone to him with every fight, every struggle I endeared and nothing else. However, he only knew half the times I was fighting with Kash, or anyone else.

Not to mention, I wouldn't have sat there and talked with him about his own issues, his own struggles. I wouldn't have been cheering him on with everything he was hoping for to be good in his life. I wanted, and still want and wish him the best in his life. I don't hate the fact that the needs 'real' friends, because apparently I'm not real, since it's just 'online'. Despite I'm moving closer, and wanted it to be more than just online.

That just goes to prove that I really didn't want our friendship to be anything more than what it was. If you couldn't tell, that was written with sarcasm behind it. I have never felt so low about myself, and felt like seriously fading away into dust at this very spot, before. It really has nothing to do with what was said, it was the mere fact that it was said. Since what was said holds no merit. It just really upsets me that something as innocent as not feeling social is to be taken as if I really just don't care about people.

Plurk, was a social as I was going to get. I've been going through a lot of shit, especially after Ann left me with all these responsibilities, and no way to work them out with out help. Of which, she's not given, despite she promised she would. I don't want to be like I was before, always there for everyone, never there for myself. I've been secluding away, trying to WORK on myself, for months now. I found plurk and decided I would use that as a way to try and get out, and be social again.

Starting over, not knowing anyone but a few of you that I knew before, from a couple years back. Those that didn't -use- me from before, are those I brought with, for this transition. I have been trying to rebuild myself, and now, its as if every brick I put up, in cement, has been crushed into and knocked over by a damn iron ball. And all because my inability to be as social as some might want me to be.

Josh would message, I would talk. If I wasn't messaging him, there was a reason. The reason was, I'm just not feeling the -need- to be social like that. Not because I didn't love him, and are about him. I would randomly message when I felt that I could HANDLE being in a conversation that was more than just words written, but had actual emotions behind it. I tried explaining that to him many times, but he I guess, just never got it. Doesn't get it, still.

I'm a horrible friend, because I needed to take time to work on myself. To heal the MANY wounds left on my soul by others that I had trusted. Plurk, was my social network where I could just go out and have discussions, whether deep or just plain random, but not worry about too many emotions getting involved. The ONLY times emotions did get involved, was when it had to do with those I was emotionally involved with already. Such as Josh, Kash or myself.

Unfortunately, feelings were hurt during those discussions. Everyone knows when one is angry, they say things they don't necessarily mean. And everyone that knows me, knows I don't like to talk to those I'm angry at, because I say and word myself in hurtful ways. Hence, I go to a different source, to release that anger, so that I can then, once calm from the venting, go to the source of the anger and confront it. I've done it before, what was so different in doing it then?

Oh, what was different was that I went to Molly for the first time when I was really angry. I was naive I guess to think that she would know intuitively not to go to Josh, whom I was venting about, and tell him literally word for word what I was saying. Copy and pasting my words for him to read. Literally taking away any hope, and chance of keeping our friendship, just that. A friendship. Now, it's broken, because of what I said in anger.

If that was what I wanted to happen, I would have gone to him myself and said all of that. I guess I was wrong in respecting our friendship then, since no one else knows how to respect friendships. Now he wishes I had never been honest with him about anything, and that fucking hurts. Makes me even more determined to not be honest with anyone, about anything.

I don't expect ANYONE to understand the bond I have with Kash. I don't expect anyone to care either. It's not something one understands unless they've experienced it first hand anyway, usually, normally. I don't appreciate being made to feel guilty because I do love Kash. I also don't appreciate others forming opinions on Kash, based on the fact that JUST LIKE ME, HE'S NOT WANTING TO BE SOCIAL! For the same reasons, yet slightly differnet.

We've both been extremely hurt in the past, God forbid, Kash might not be ready to just open up to anyone that might want to talk to him. Just like I'm not going and opening up to anyone who might want me to talk to them. JUST BECAUSE KASH IS MY BOYFRIEND, MY HUSBAND, MY BEST FRIEND, DOESN'T MEAN HE HAS TO BE YOURS. Nor does it mean he even has to automatically be comfortable being so friendly with you, from the get go. Take offense if you like, in the fact that he isn't going out of his way to try and befriend you.

He's doing what he has to do, to HEAL himself, and his wounds. He is going the pace HE needs to. God forbid he think of himself for once. Are you that selfish to take what he is doing, and think it's automatically because Kash is a snob, and wants nothing to do with the likes of you? Please. Get over yourselves already. I've even told you this before, to NOT take offense by it, that he's just going through shit. Just like I don't expect Kash's friends to be my best friends, I don't expect my best friends to be his.

His friends haven't even tried pushing themselves on me like you have him. They speak to me on ocassion, see how I'm doing. But they do NOT expect me to be able to juts open up to them and pour my fucking heart out. How dare you think that Kash should do thus for/with you. Kash is not me, he might not be okay with talking to you as I am okay with it. Why? Because he doesn't know you. It took us YEARS to get where we are. You've known Kash for what, a couple months? Yet you expect the same from him as you do me?

Where is the logic in that?

I could keep going, on and on, but I can't. I'm about to pass out again, from the meds I just took. Yeah, it's that bad, I'm drugging myself up to make me sleep because I just can't fucking deal with this shit. I have never been in this position in my life! Thanks a lot 'friends'. I have to sleep though, because other wise, I'd do something even more stupid. I wont even go into what I keep daydreaming about, which is another reason I need to be unconscious right now. I'm tired of crying over this, I'm tired of fighting over this.

I'm just fucking tired.

-Khai