Since I knew he would...

Josh's latest blog, that he since deleted. Why am I reposting this? Not to be an ass, but because of the fact that the replies that both Kash and I made, took a lot of thought, and held a lot of emotion with in them. And our responses wouldn't make sense, unless you read what they were pertaining to. Since they are important to us, it is important to repost his blog.

---HAS SINCE DELETED JOSH'S ORIGINAL BLOG, BECAUSE JOSH DOESN'T WANT HIS FEELINGS/THOUGHTS PUBLIC ANY LONGER, WHICH IS HIS PREROGATIVE. I'M NOT GOING TO SAY NO, BECAUSE I'M NOT AN ASS, THE ASS OF WHICH HE'S TRYING TO MAKE ME OUT TO BE---

That was his original blog, now here is my response:


2 years, going on three years Josh, it's been since we've met. And we didn't even get 'close' until a year later. Just thought I'd point that out.

I was not offended because you are gay, or because you don't like pussy. But, I am not going to go on about this, because I say it's one thing, and you say it's another. I'm over it. It's done.

Now, about the whole 'He believes I think of him as an internet friend, someone who isn't real' you said that Josh. You said it, in IM and in comments to my blog. You said that I was jealous because you wanted/needed friends that are 'closer to home'.

I know you've supported me, as I have supported you, but now all the sudden, all my support just didn't/doesn't exist, because you are now saying I never cared, and only used you to vent to when I was angry or upset.

How can you say that, and yet say I am your best friend, and you are basically begging me to please remain in your life. If I am SO horrible, why all this? Why? Why are you stating that I never cared about you ever, and just used you? But, you're begging me to stay?

Molly was wrong, and she's apologized. I'm not fully comfortable with going back to what we were, but she had apologized, and it's a start. It is not okay to copy paste what someone says, especially when they are venting in anger about another person. Just like if you were to vent to me about Molly, or someone else, I would NEVER go and copy paste what you say. And, I can bet you APPRECIATE that about me, and you would never feel you'd have to ask me to NOT say something, because friends don't need to say stuff like that. Or they shouldn't HAVE to.

About telling Kash things.. I don't tell Kash a fourth of what you say to me. Especially the personal/private things. However, Kash has a brain, he has his intuition, just as I do, and he can think and feel things for his own. Just like I can, he can. He blogs what he feels. I blog, what I feel. I don't even know why I am responding to this, because half of what you've said here, has already been proven innacurate by my own admission in my own blogs. But whatever.

I don't even know how to respond to 'I forgave you EVERYTIME, Every fucking time you basically spit in my face. Every time you ever told me something that justt hit hard.' So, I wont. And it's not rubbing someone else in your face, when I am talking about who I am 'with' at the time, just because it's not YOU. Josh, if you couldn't handle being my friend, due to the fact you felt more for me than just 'friend' we should have ended our friendship that day I asked if you could handle it. You said you could, and now you are saying I am RUBBING my love life in your face, as if I was being an ASS, for having one that didn't include you. I'm not okay with this statement, but what can I do.

I can't speak for Kash, but I will say, I don't believe you did as much as you could have done, to make Kash feel comfortable with being even slightly close, or open to you. Fucking A, Josh, not everyone can just trust someone right off the bat. Hell, I didn't trust you for almost a year and a HALF! So, don't think it should have miraculously happened with you and Kash, because that is just ridiculous. I've told you this before, but you insist on ignoring it. Just because you are/were my friend, doesn't mean you automatically have that trust with him. I agree that the problem started with Kash, however, they stem from you, Josh, because of Kash.

Now, agreed, I -used- to come to you, when something offended me, whether you are what did the offending, or someone else did. I didn't go to Ann, or to Des, or even Angel, and I will tell you why. Des, hated you. HATED you. Hell, most my friends, hated you. But, I liked you, always have, despite you'd piss me off, alot. Remember all those times I'd just disappear for a week or so. I didn't disappear, I just went invis to you on YIM. Why? Because you had upset me, or whatever, and I needed time to cool down. I wouldn't go to Des about it, because that would just be suicide/murder.

When Ann came back into my life, and as more than just what she was in the beginning, when we were still not living otgether, she was barely online for me to talk to. So, I never went to her. When we lived together, and I had an issue with you, sure, I'd talk to her about it. And she'd help me out, calm me down, and when I was cool about it, I'd confront you. Why Angel is even being brough up, is beyond me. Because Angel and I never talked about ANYTHING other than a few certain things, and Josh, sorry to say, but you were never a topic of discussion with Angel. Kash on the other hand.. Kash and I, talk abotu everything. As would be expected, however, unlike Ann, Kash is more like me.

Kash confronts the problem. Confronts you, when I can't because I'm too upset. Everytime he has, I have been involved, with out being 'involved'. I've known what was going to be said, before he'd even say it to you, and I had no problems with how he worded himself. Which to be honest, could have been VERY bad, compared to what was said. However, I'm going to say that now, it was not wrong, but probably not the best thing to do. So, I will apologize on my behalf. Also, to make this clear, I have NEVER told anyone your feelings. Anything anyone else knows about how YOU feel, you've either blogged about, or stated publically, for anyone to see.

For you to say something like that, just makes me even more angry with you. But whatever, I am done with that subject. Now, I am -there- for you, as much as I fucking can be. Aren't you being a little selfish and self-centered? I am going through A LOT of shit right now, so take my 'absense' as if I just don't care, as if I am a horrible friend. When in reality, it's just me, taking the time I need, to heal the wounds inflicted on me. As is my right, and damn it, for you to say I don't deserve to heal from the shit that's happened to me, because that would mean I'm taking away your precious 'friend' wow. Josh, just wow. Thanks.

You are not the only one upset by all of this. I lost you, just as much as you lost me. I've not had 'fantasies' about you, but I have had one moment.. where, yeah. But that's all I'm saying, and that was way back in February.. makes me laugh, we had just got done talking via text on the cell, but nevermind that. I don't care that you've had fantasies about me, in fact, I'm quite flattered. You're not the only one not sleeping. I haven't slept well, Kash isn't sleeping, and I'd go so far as to say Molly's even sleeping pretty shitty, but that's just a guess, since I haven't talked to her.

If by the comment about acting immaturely about a topic as adult as what was being said in that plurk.. you are the one that was misunderstanding. You guys were acting so immature about something as natural as masturbation. Female masturabtion, or not. You were handling it very immaturely. 'OMG, girls have cooties!' Etc. That's basically what it seemed like, and for grown men to be acting like that.. Kash nor myself, weren't saying we were more mature than you guys, nor were we saying we were better than you guys. But you were acting very immature, about the TOPIC of conversation. But, that's the past, and I'm over with it. I will not keep going back to that.

This thing with you Josh now, has gone beyond that one fucking plurk/conversation. Now about giving so and so's the 'boot' on plurk, um.. I did go to them. And I refuse to go back on it, or my reason. I refuse to lower my fucking standards of what I believe a friend should be, because some people don't feel like putting the effort in. Fuck that. I'd rather have ONE true friend, than a bunch of aquaintances.

Our friendship has not disappeared, and especially not because of Kash. I have slowly been secluding myself from EVERYONE, because I've been hurt. Having to deal with Ann, and then my family, ALL of them, the shit with my brother, my mother, my grandmother.. moved 3 times, with in 3 months. Lost 3 of my pets, for whatever reasons. 2 of which, were my best friends! Like Kiara is yours, I lost my Corey and Shayde. Both of which I raised from kittens. Don't act so fucking selfish! I've gone through a lot, so god for fucking bid I need to step back and take some 'me' time Josh.

Yet, I've still made time, what little time it was, to sit down and talk to you about YOUR life. Your dreams, your hopes, wishes, your fears. I've wished with you, for all that you wish to have. And it is NOT stupid Josh. If you went to Molly and vented about me, and she told me.. I really doubt you'd appreciate that. Sometimes you need to see things as if they were the other way around to really appreciate the situation. Bt the way, Molly did NOT stand up to me, so I don't even know where you get off stating that she did. I don't hate when I'm wrong, in fact I love learning that maybe something I thought was not true. I love learning new things. I am always changing and evolving BECAUSE of this. Yet you claim you know me.

You do know what buttons to push, and you made sure to push them. Because of that Josh, THAT is why I can NOT forive you, and for any time soon. At least I went to SOMEONE else, when I was angry. I respected our friendship enough, to blow off my steam, before I confronted you. Which is more than I can say for you. It is what almost made our friendship end the last time, and it is what ended it this time.

I wont deny that I am 'lost' why the fuck do you think my UserName is Lost, or PathUnknown?!? Wow, you act as if I don't know MYSELF! But I do Josh. I do. I'm not pushing myself farther away from anything, if anything, I'm pushing myself CLOSER to finally having something. I am not someone I hate, and how dare you claim to love me, and then say that I will find out one day I truly hate myself. Thanks for telling me how much you truly hate me. IF my relationship with Kash doesn't work, it will be no ones fault by mine and his, and no ones business, but mine and his. So stay the fuck out of it from now on.

The more I read this, and try to respond, especially since I'm reading this for a second time, it's really starting to piss me off. So, I am just going to end this now, I really have nothing more to say. I don't -need- friends like you and Molly, if all you really think about me, is that I am horrible, and someone worthy of hate. I know Molly doesn't feel that way, but with this blog, you've basically just stated that. So, I don't need friends like you Josh. I need friends, but definitely not friends that only wish the worst, for me. Think the worst, of me. And all because I am trying to make the best, for me, and of me.

I can't speak for myself two weeks from now, two months from now, two years from now, but as of right now, we can not be friends. I wish you well, in everything you do. Good luck with that job. You have my email. Feel free to use it. But that's a stretch, for me to even feel comfortable emailing back. I'm still looking forward to all those sunsets on the ocean, if you feel like sharing.

Good luck man.

-Khai

And now, Kash's response:

I'm just going to go through this entire thing. So happy reading.

It's all great and well that you have your random thoughts just like everyone else. All this drama you so call it, which stemmed from a plurk, yes, as stupid as it may have been, the realism of what it as about, still offends many. And, for a good reason, but I personally won't go into that. If all of the bisexual, straight and lesbian women, and the few gay men that actually care about women's rights and what not want to step in and talk about this, then they can but as for me, I'm never talking about that subject again from that plurk.

Moving on.

From what I know to be true, since I joined HO months before Khai even joined HO, and knowing that HO hasn't even been around for that long - How can you say you've known him for almost four years? That's just crazy. It's been almost three. I'm not going to talk for Khai in this, since it's not my place, never has been my place, and never have I spoken for him, unless he literally asked me too, which was only once, might I add. But, for the mere fact you are stating that he was offended that you are gay, just makes me honestly laugh. How can you sit there and type that when you know, you fucking know, that was and is not the case. How can you sit there and state that he thinks you think he's an internet friend when you, yes, you, were the one that stated that he was only that. What the hell? You were the one that stated all of that, so why are you the one twisting words now? You never expressed that he said this, you expressed that you felt everything was online. If you read our blogs, you'd know this to be true, and you'd realize what you just wrote has no standing what so ever. This whole Molly thing, no, I'm sorry but that's wrong, and she has even came to apologize to him, after she realized how wrong she really was. So, Yeah, I'm not even going to get into this part because, it had nothing to do with me. The only thing I will go about stating is, Khai never has shown me anything that you said to him in confidence, because that would be just plain stupid. So, unless you are meaning my latest blogs, I have no clue what you are even talking about how my blogs, all of my blogs, that has you stated in it, was something you told him. So, please, tell me where you are getting off on that part because, I'm extremely curious Show me word for word, and I'll have him scour over his IM archives and see what the hell you are getting at. Okay? Great.

Let's keep moving shall we?

I would also love t know how he pushed you away. I would love to know how he rubbed every single person in your face. But, what I would love to know even more is, how have you actually tried? Adding me to your messenger, and talking to me about stupid shit once or twice every couple of months is not trying to get to know me. You asked me one complicated question months ago, asking me why I love Khai, and I answered you in the best manner that I could because, let's face it, that question isn't easily stated into words. Love can't be written out expressingly, its always going to come out simplistically when love is far from it. And, just to state the obvious, that's not getting to know me. Never once have you asked me, "hey kash, how are you feeling today? How's your grandfather doing? What is your favorite color." You know, that is getting to know someone. You have never once done that. So, how you can say you tried, that just makes me laugh. You never have once tried to break down my walls, fuck, Khai hasn't even broken down all of my walls, so, you don't even know what you are talking about when you speak on this. Another thing, what I blog about is none of anyone's business but mine. So, if I want to write a 'sob blog' as you put it, I can, but why the fuck would I when you're the one bitching. If you've read my latest blog, it has nothing to do with anything about you. But, you've read it haven't you? Obviously. That's fine and dandy, that's what it's there for. And, just for the obvious shaker here, for you to say you know who I am. You don't know shit. You know one thing about me. What my secret is, and that is it. That isn't knowing who I am. What I'm about, or, anything that I've been through. And, it's not for you to know, its for my husband to know.

Great. Next paragraph.

You never pushed yourself on me. You've talked to me a total of, oh, let's count it. One time asking about why I love khai. Twice asking me where he was. Once to bitch about how stupid we were being, when you didn't understand what was going on, and you were basing it off of old information. Once about a tattoo. which had nothing to do with me, or getting to know me. once on new years eve, and once saying whats up, me answering and you never saying another word. That's pushing yourself on me? Wow. You must be so fucking proud of yourself, because, that's just expending so much energy. Please, explain to me how that's pushing yourself on me, and trying. But, I will go to say, just because he's friends or was friends with you, does not mean I'm meant to be friends with anyone that is friends with him. My bestfriends don't even talk to him despite they have maybe a couple of times. I don't push them on him, and they don't push themselves on him. Seriously, that's not how friendships go. My friends do not have to be his friends, and vice versa, and anyone that says other wise is just plain stupid. That's like saying you have to be friends with Matthew Lush because You're friends with Connor. Not a great example but, still its explaining what I'm meaning. Things just do not work that way. I don't need to be close to anyone he knows, not even his family. Nor does he need to be, that's just common sense. And, I can tell you now, you and I will never be friends. You've gone to far. If he comes back to you as a friend, that's up to him, I won't tell him what he has to do, nor have I ever, but, to say you and I have to be friends because of your benefit having to do with him, no, sorry. Not going to happen. I told you once, we could be friends, but after you've said everything you have said. after everything you have done. Never. And, that is my own perorgative. Never once have I claimed anything jealousy, but you surely do act jealous in this blog entry. You call it honesty, but I call it you twisting your words for your own benefit so others will see your side, will love you and not the truth. I'm sorry but the whole woe is me shit is not a very nice color on you. You say you've never been jealous of me, then prove it. Show me how my blog has ever said you were jealous. Show me how you aren't jealous even in your own blog. I personally think you never were jealous of Ann or Angel because you knew they weren't a threat and for specific reasons, and I can name those reasons but I personally don't think they need to be spoken in a public place. But, you have always felt me as a threat, and you've said so yourself in a public place vaguely. Its not my fault that I read inbetween the lines. None of your problems with Khai stem from me, they stem from you, so. Yeah. That's just blowing smoke out your ass. And, since I'm not Khai all I'll say about when he takes offense to something about you, knowing Khai as well as I do, I know he never came straight to you after it happened. And, he never really had someone to go to - to begin with, until me. You wouldn't understand that though, but you should. He never once has told me to tell you or anyone else that they were immature, because i don't talk for him. He is his own person. The words "immature" came out of my mouth and if you read what and how I said it, you'd know what it meant. There is a huge difference in being immature and acting immature about a situation and I pointed that out. The end. And, for the fact that you say he's yours, he's never been yours, despite you say not yours but he's been there for you.. We both know what you mean by that, because you've stated it over and over again. I'm sorry but Khai isn't and won't ever be what you want him to be, because, like he has said repeatedly, he doesn't feel that way about you. Apparently you say you know this, but from how you keep typing, you don't. First you say you know me, but now you say you don't know me. So which is it? I know which, but maybe you're confused about which one it is?

Moving on..

I personally don't want to hear about your fantasies despite everyone has them. The end.

Next paragraph.

Sometimes sorry isn't good enough. Most of the time sorry isn't good enough, not in a case like this. I personally have nothing to apologize for, because I've done nothing wrong. I still feel the same way I felt about that plurk, and thats my perorgative to feel that way. Why you felt offended is your own business, because, honestly everyone in that plurk was being immature like 10 year old boys talking about girls in a new light for the first time. If you see it as me calling you or them immature, then by god, take it that way, but you obviously didn't read it, or think about it before you spoke. And, just for the mere fact you are saying that I claimed Khai felt it too, never once did I. Khai posted he felt the same as I did, I never said it. And, pointing out the obvious here, I saw the plurk, which meant I knew who the people are. Gasp! Kash knows people. Yes, I know people. Hello.. Is that a shocker? Right. You didn't stand up for me, you just stated you were going to talk to me on IM. Which personally I wish you never did. I don't see how my words were flipped around, when nearly this entire entry you made has been nothing but a contradiction and twisting of your own words. YoURS Josh, not anyone's but yours. I'm not the type to twist words. I'm blunt. I say how I feel when I feel and if someone doesn't like it, albeit even Khai, then oh fucking well. I don't have a reason to twist my words. How you read them, however, is another point entirely. Good luck with that. I've got a right to blog when I need or want to blog, whether its been about you, or him, or even Ann, god forbid, theres a law stating I can't blog what I feel at the time I feel it. Oh no, that means you can't either, wow. That's basically what you just said, to me, because, basically I twist my words and go straight to my blog. Right. Enough of that. the only thing I'll say about the whole true friends thing, is, what Khai has done, theres nothing wrong with it. And, for you to say that no one is above or below that, no one has ever said that, but you. Apparently when someone doesn't agree with what you say, they are automatically thinking they are above you or your opinions. That's just great man. Great thinking there.

And.. next thing.

I'm sorry to say it, but the closer Khai got to me, is the best thing that could have ever happened to him. Your friendship with him, despite I really can't speak about this, is and has been fading because of you, not because of me, despite its about me. I can't talk about Molly, because, I don't know Molly. I barely know you. The end. All I will say about one thing is, there never really needs to be a mediator in a friendship. But apparently you think so. I will go to say that Molly never stood up to him, despite she did come back to apologize knowing she was wrong, but I've already stated that. I honestly think you are the real one that hates being wrong, because knowing Khai from experience, he doesn't hate being wrong. Hell, I don't hate being wrong. You learn from being wrong. And, that's how you ascend. I will go to say that, where the fuck do you get off stating that Khai will eventually find out he will hate who he is and that he's going to fuck our relationship up? First of all, you don't have a right to even be in and talking about something that has only to do with he and I. So, step the fuck back. If something happens to us, that will have to do with us. And, I honestly don't see that happening, but, hey, my intuition which is quite strong might I add, can be wrong about that. Like I said, I don't hate being wrong, because I love learning. I want to continue to ascend. But, for you to say that you love him, then go to say that he'll end up being someone he hates just proves how much you don't know, and how much you don't think before you speak. All I will say is, stay the fuck out of what you don't know, and that doesn't have to do with you.

Moving on..

For you to say that I'm his soulmate then going on to say that I won't be able to do everything for him.. That's just ridiculous in my mind. What I can't do, he can do for himself and vice versa. No one claims that we can do everything for one another, but that's what soulmates are, Josh, we complete the other and do what we need to and the rest is wanting too. And, all the other stuff either doesn't matter, or, matters enough for the other half to do it for themselves. I won't and don't speak for him, but, if you needed him as much as you've stated, and gone to say half of the other shit you have, and done since September, I just think that's, well, that's for you to realize. It's not my place to be your guru. But, that's really all that I have to say. Get your facts straight. Stop being an ass, and move the fuck on.

&; Kash

Okay, now that all that is there.. get your read on, make your own opinions. I didn't get to save Molly's comment, of which needed to be here, but I didn't think to save hers in time. As I've been pretty busy since I've forced my happy ass out of bed. But yeah. It's done, and it's over. The end.

-Khai